Poems that may never be heard.

No motivation.

I've had no motivation to write.
In actuality, I have no motivation for anything.
I'm too tired.
My eyes hurt when I shut it closed
It feels like I haven't blinked in years
Laughing and being around at school used to be my anchor,
It used to be enough.
But now,
Now it's not.
And that terrifies me.
I can no longer find the motivation to go up to strangers and tell them a joke,
Laugh as loud I can,
It feels hard to even smile.
What am I even doing this all for?
Everyday the morning feels like hell,
Going to each class is painful,
I hate it. I just want to sleep, I just want to stop.
When did it become this bad?
How did it become this bad?
Why?
Why did I lose all motivation for everything and anything?
I can't write,
It's hard to speak,
It's hard to feel.
I'm struggling more and more each day to be my normal, happy self.
He is gone.
But there was no he.
He was in my stories,
My fantasies,
But not because it was him
But because I needed someone.
Not him,
Just someone,
To feel that gap I needed.
But even he is gone now,
I now think of all the times when my laugh was told to be weird,
Or when I was told that I was weird.
An obsessed, weird girl.
I laughed it off, and said that I could only hope that he thinks what I did everyday was a joke.
Because it was half a joke,
If not a complete joke.
I was fine with it.
But now I'm not.
I begun to believe that he really hated me.
I begun to believe that everyone really hated me.
Nobody would ever like me.
But I guess that was the reason every night and day I convinced myself finding new ways to reason why I can't ever love someone.
Because I am scared of that life,
I am scared of that rejection,
I am scared of it, in general.
I have no motivation to do anything anymore.
I had so many plans,
I would write and write,
Word after word,
Poem after poem,
I would begin to be better.
But I'm only getting worse.
And the motivation to even have an attempt at stopping that,
Is gone.

I'm just too tired.

Can't I finally sleep?