Scared that I'm dreaming and I'm already dead

Chapter 01

December 2021
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|•So when all the lights go down
When the music is done
I'm here left without
Everybody's gone
And it's true that I could be somebody
But right now I don't know who•|
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Colbrie. Colbrie Blakeheart. The name tickled my tongue as I said it out loud. The more and more I said it, the more it felt like a tongue twister from those old fairytales I'd read as a kid or some action women who'd kill the bad guys who looked at her funny in an old comic book.

Colbrie Blakeheart. That's the name my mom chose. I had to change it to this.
My mom and I just came back from watching a couple of YouTubers I liked and the one went by Colby and mom loved it. Moms boyfriend-Mark on the other hand didn't, said it was too 'masculine' had to be more feminine to which I suggested 'Colbrie' if he wanted to nickname me 'Bri'. Now we're here.

I walked into that store named Emily coming out named Colbrie.

Completely new name. I shed a lot of pounds due to my eating disorder, changed my hair, and I grew taller. After the accident....I had to change my identity to keep me safe. It was the cops idea. I don't know how I felt about this yet. This meant that I was no longer aloud to tell anyone I knew that we've met before, not that I really had any friends anyway. I have to start all over, new house-well apartment, new year, new job, new.....me. I plugged my headphones into my phone and put on "living the dream" by Lost & found. This song reminded me of my current situation.

I looked out to the window covered in water from the rain. From once was a sunny day filled with strangers riding their bikes chugging water down their throat from the bitter heat turned to a cold muggy and wet day. The floor had turned to puddles, the air had heavy fog hovering over the floor, and the sky had turned a dark hue of grey only brightened by lightening glistening through the clouds followed by the ear ringing sound of roaring thunder, I took my headphones out to listen to it better and rolled down my window, it smelt of rain. I've always loved thunderstorms. Something about Mother Nature showing us her anger is very calming. Kind of like the rain is her tears and the thunder is her screams, something about a metaphorical mental breakdown, is something I'm all too familiar with.

I turned to look at my mother, her eyes were glued to the road, the faint sound music from her Honda-civic playing through the speakers. I tilted my head down to look at the song "Glass House" by Machine Gun Kelly playing from my moms playlist. I almost forgot about this song, feels like just yesterday it was on repeat.

I liked when it was just us. This is when she cared. We didn't have much, just each other, and her occasional boyfriends. They always either reeked of booze or marijuana. They've probably done worse.

I looked back to the window again and leaning my head on the side of the door, my head rocking with the vehicle and the seatbelt grazing against my cheek, but this time I thought about how hard this was for my dad, and how I now understood why he always had his trust issues really bad.

I gripped my locket
"You ok?" My mom asked
I snapped out my thoughts and looked at her with a questioning look, truth be told I spaced out, I do that a lot.
"Your necklace" I looked at her again with a mix of confusion and misunderstanding.
"Yeah?, what about it?" I asked looking at it
"You grip it when you're upset, usually when you're thinking about your dad" she said. She didn't take her eyes off the road. 
"Nah I was just thinking about how my dad always loved thunderstorms" I said playing my necklace while looking at the scenery through the moving window.
"He did?" She asked finally looking at me then turning back to look at the road once more. I signed, it's amazing how much she'd forget when it came to my dad.
My necklace is a photo necklace and it has a photo of my whole family in it, my dad got it for me.

"Yeah, he always thought they were very peaceful" I said with a small smile forming from my lips.
"It'll cause us an accident if we don't stop soon" she said in a frustrated tone. I then turned to look at her letting go of my necklace.
"Well what do you want me to do about it? I don't control the weather" I said. She scoffed.
"Don't be a smart-ass with me Em-"
"Colbrie" I cut her off
"You can't call me that anymore". She sighed and turned the car into a parking lot pulling into 7-11.
"I'm going in the store to get some snacks, do you want anything?" I drew a breathless chuckle.
"Do you want vomit in your car?" I said as she turned the car off.
"You know that eating disorder thing you have is all in your head, you won't throw up and the more you tell yourself you will you'll actually vomit, so quite thinking about it" she said as she unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned to the back seat to grab her purse.
"Sooo you're a doctor now?" I said sarcastically. With a raised eyebrow. She rolled her eyes and opened the door saying one last thing before she walked off.
"Whatever"

I hate when she plays doctor. Like she knows what's going on with me. I don't even know what's going on with me and it's my body. I should know, but I don't, hence the reason where seeing a professional. I rolled my eyes and went on my phone.

It wasn't long before ma came back with a bag of what I assume are snacks and drinks.
She opened the door and sat back behind the wheel, throwing her purse in the backseat once more. The rain had slowed down from what once was a strong poring turned to a light drizzle. It was still really dark and our apartment wasn't too far from here, 10 minutes tops.

"Finally, the storms clearing up, can't believe your dad liked this shit" she said with a little chuckle, I didn't find it funny. She started backing out of the parking lot almost hitting a guy with her car and cursing at him till we finally made our way out of 711.

I put my headphones back in my ears and turned the volume all the way up this time. Ma won't talk to me anyways.

Today is going to be a long day.