Quinn and Adeline

Chapter Four

They didn't know until they were nine.

They weren't a boy or a girl. So they just assumed that they were nothing. Alien. A mistake. An accident.

Of course, that wasn't so.

Polaris didn't even know the concept of pronouns, or that they could ever be addressed any differently. So they kept their mouth shut, silent, silent, silent.

They couldn't express themselves. So they hid, silently, in their closet. Sometimes literally.

Their father was abusive. He was gone now, but that couldn't erase the pain behind Polaris' smile every day.

Their mother was abusive. Not physically, but that's not the only way to abuse a person. But now Polaris' mother had faded away, wasted, the moment her lover had turned on her. So Polaris came home every day to a home that was irreversibly home, and yet it wasn't. They came home to a wasted mother, usually drinking and smoking and doing drugs all at once.

You can probably guess that Polaris didn't have the best state of mind.

Luckily for them, they were an optimist. They survived only by working four jobs, barely keeping up with their homework, and sleeping five hours a night. Six, if they were lucky. And, well, if they swiped some beers and heroin every once in a while, was it really their fault?

At least they had music as an escape. Someday, Polaris wanted to write their own.

Someday.

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Polaris closed their eyes. They tuned out their teacher – French was incredibly boring – and leaned back in their chair. They'd only gotten four hours of sleep last night, and they were literally dying. They hadn't had anything to eat since two days ago dinner. At least their homework was done. Polaris sighed.

Polaris didn't have any friends, not really. There was Hunter, who had once had a conversation with Polaris, and he'd become friends with them. But now, Hunter had seemed to be drifting away. Even in this class, Polaris didn't think Hunter was aware that they were in this class. Either way, Polaris could hardly regard her as a friend anymore.

Then there was Eero. He was Finnish and angsty, dark and unavoidable, yet hidden in the shadows. He'd left to take care of some family business. For five months.

And, finally, Adeline. But Polaris didn't trust her. She was playing a role, and Polaris played back. They weren't friends, not truly. And they both knew it.

Polaris heard someone whispering, all of a sudden. Harsh and dry, the sound grated in her ears, knock knock knock can I come in

Polaris, infuriatingly, dumbly, couldn't keep it out. Though, to be fair, it wasn't asking.

"I heard she dropped out of all her old schoo-"

"She? I thought it was a dude..."

Polaris stiffened. They always hated this part.

They turned. Slowly, fixing an eerie, pleasant smile on their face. Slowly enough to make it clear they'd heard, they'd known, they shouldn't have opened their mouths.

"I'm nonbinary." It was merely a whisper, a shadow of a flame. But a shadow is proof that something's there, no?

The other kids cringed away, bowing their heads. An easy victory. Too easy.

"Did you have something to say, Alstrom?"

Polaris sighed. The kids would be back to bully them later, it was clear.