Scene 4
Harry: (relaxes) I’m totally going to win!
(Harry and Ron high-five.)
Hermione: I don’t know, Harry…
Ron: Oh my god, Hermione. Keep shut. Why do you have to rain on everybody’s parade?
Hermione: Because, Ron, this is dangerous!
Harry: Dangerous? Come one, Hermione, how dangerous can it be? Especially for me.
Hermione: You’re not invincible, Harry. Someone DIED in this tournament.
Harry: Uh, I’m the Boy that LIVED, not DIED. You know what Hermione, just forget about all of that, okay? Let it go.
Hermione: But, I mean, what about Snape?
Harry: Yeah, what about him?
Hermione: He's hated you for years! And he's hated your parents too, Harry, everybody knows that. And he just so happens to pick your name out of the House Cup out of hundreds if not five possible Gryffindors?
Harry: Yeah, what a coincidence, we lucked out!
Hermione: No, Harry, I don't think it is a coincidence. When you defeated Voldemort you made a lot of enemies. Ones you might not even know about.
Harry: Alright, let me get this straight: so you think this tournament is just one big ploy to try and kill me?
Hermione: I don't know, maybe! Anyway, I just think it's dangerous and I don't think you should do it. Look there’s Dumbledore! If you just ask him- (Hermione runs over to Dumbledore) Professor-
Dumbledore: Granger, I know what you’re going to say. Look, even if I did believe Harry Potter was in danger, he has to compete. You see that Cup? (He gestures towards the Sorting Cup)
Hermione: Yes.
Dumbledore: It's enchanted. Whosever name comes out of the Cup has to compete or the results would be bad.
Hermione: What do you mean bad?
Dumbledore: Well…try to imagine your entire life stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Hermione: (Gasps) A total platonic reversal!
Dumbledore: Yeah, so you see, he has to compete and Hermione, if it makes you feel any better the last guy to die in the tournament was a Hufflepuff so, um, I'll keep my eyes open and nothing's going to get past old Dumbledore.
Hermione: Alright.
(Dumbledore leaves)
Hermione: (Hermione turns back to Harry) Harry, I'm so sorry but I think you're going to have to compete in the House Cup Tournament, but don't worry! I won't rest until I find out what the first task is.
Ron: I’ll sabotage all the other champions so you win by default.
Hermione: And I guess I can check out the whole library on notes.
Harry: Alright. You guys are awesome.
(Malfoy, Goyle enter.)
Malfoy: Well. Isn’t this touching?
Ron: Oh my God, just butt out, Malfoy.
(Malfoy tries to look smooth but falls onto the floor. He continues to roll around on the floor for a while to make it seem like he did this on purpose.)
Malfoy: Goyle and I have a bet, you know. He says you won’t last five minutes in this tournament. I disagree. I say you wouldn’t last five minutes at Pigfarts!
Harry: Alright, Malfoy, what is Pigfarts?
Malfoy: Oh! Never heard of it? Ha! Figures. Famous Potter doesn’t even know about Pigfarts! Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. It’s where I'm being transferred next year.
Hermione: Malfoy, I’ve never heard of that.
Malfoy: That’s because Pigfarts… is on Mars!
Harry: Alright, you know what? We’re trying to have a conversation here so if you could just leave us alone-
Malfoy: Oh, no. I’m not even here. (He goes to sit on the other side of the stage and then leans in, obviously listening)
Harry: (in a hushed tone) Okay, so, I think we can find out what the first task is if we ask Dumbledore-
Malfoy: Dumbledore? Pff! What an old coot! He’s nothing like Rumbleroar!
Goyle: RUMBLEROAR!
Malfoy: Rumbleroar’s the headmaster at Pigfarts. He’s a lion, who can talk.
Harry: Malfoy, if you don’t mind, we’re trying to have a conversation here so- wait what are you even doing in here? Get out!
Malfoy: I can’t help it if we can hear everything you say. We’re the only ones in here.
Harry: Come on, Malfoy; just get out of here, please?
Malfoy: Where are we supposed to go?
Harry: Uh, I don’t know, uh, Pigfarts?
Malfoy: Oh ha. Oh, now you’re just being cute. I can’t go to Pigfarts. IT’S ON MARS. You need a rocket ship. (Struts over to Harry) Do you have a rocket ship, Potter? I bet you do. You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died! Look at this! Look at this! It’s Rocketship Potter. Starkid Potter. Moonshoes Potter. Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts!
Harry: Alright, that’s it. This is the most misguided way to try and make me feel jealous. I don’t care if you make fun of me, (he gets up) but if you bring my parents into this, it’s a whole other story.
Malfoy: (runs and hides behind stage left bench) Whoa! Not so fast, Potter! Goyle!
(Goyle advances on Harry, arms raised. Harry and Ron cower around the bench while Hermione remains standing.)
Goyle: BACK OFF, NERD!
Malfoy: Not so tough are you now, Potter! Maybe you should hang out with someone better than that lollygagging ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend!
Hermione: (Stands) Oh, that is it, Malfoy! Just get out!
Ron & Harry: (Whining) Hermione!
Hermione: No! You don’t have time for this- you need to prepare for the first task!
Draco: Whatever. Come on. Let’s go watch Wizards of Waverly Place!
(Malfoy exits with Crabbe and Goyle, and Harry, Ron and Hermione exit the other way.)
