DROWN

2.

Depression is being color blind yet constantly being told how colorful the world is. 
- Atticus

These feelings have intensified, I can't make it to school. I've just stayed in bed this whole time. I don't wanna die, but sometimes wish I'd never been born at all, the same mantra repeating itself in my head. 

My friends have stopped hanging out with me but know something is wrong. I wish someone would ask me if I was okay. I can't smile even if I were to fake it...I do not feel myself anymore. 

DIE

DIE

DIE

Over and over, until my brain is clouded. Can I die? I want to. I hang out in my room all the time by myself. I see how much more fun they have with my sister than they have with me. They would be happier if I wasn't alive. 

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of this world.  It's one hell of a battle, and sometimes you just want to scream out loud. I often find myself screaming and crying to myself silently wishing for the pain to go away.

At first, this pain was a couple of times a day, now it's 24 hours a day. I can't handle it. In some ways, I feel like my pain is stupid. People are dying because of violence, people's families have died, people are orphans, people have gone through more than I have ever been through. I had a good life, I just threw it away, it's my fault.

My parents don't know and just tell me to stop being moody. Stop hiding in my room. I can't help it. I have mental breakdowns almost every day, I can't let you see. It makes me feel weaker. I've read that crying and letting it all out makes everything better but in all honesty, it doesn't. When I cry I cry for hours and then feel like shit afterward, it's a lose-lose situation. 

I'm trying to find a light switch in pitch darkness, I don't know what will make me happy again. I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't need constant reminders of how broken I am. I'm not trying to over-dramatize or be ungrateful by crying. It just happens. 

I feel like I'm living in an empty pit in life. I do not have energy unless it's an adrenaline rush during a panic attack where I can feel my heart pounding against my rib cage and chest cavity. The feelings inside me make me feel as if I'm ugly on the outside.

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