DROWN

5.

I don't want to heal. No amount of therapy will change the fact I don't want to be here anymore. I can't see a future in myself. I can't fathom being alive right now, my plan is all fucked up and it's making me feel worse and worse. 

If I hear 'it gets worse before it gets better' I will start crying. It's not getting better, it's deteriorating every day. 

They think locking me in a room by myself will help. It just makes the thoughts louder with no way to distract them. I wish no one found me, then I would be dead.

They think I've improved, I'm being let out tomorrow. I've got a plan. This time I will leave, this time it will work.

My family thinks I'm okay now. It's barely been a week, but they wouldn't know, they never paid attention.

Tonight is the night. I write up my note and have everything set up.

Dear Family,
I love you. This is what I want, this is what will make me happy again. Today I watched my final sunrise, ate my final meal, and will soon take my final breath. Think of it as a long nap, that lasts for eternity. I don't want to hurt you in any way, I just want to be at peace.

In some ways this feels selfish, I feel as though I need something to kill myself for. I had a perfect life, just not the perfect mind. I know it's no one's fault, I was just made to think differently and couldn't handle it. I know you think I'm perfect, but you don't know how hard I've tried to keep living. 

I'm proud of myself for surviving this long. Please move on from this, don't be sad about something inevitable. It was always going to happen. 

No one has instigated me, whether by their actions or by their words, this is my decision and I am the only one responsible for this. 

I'm sorry I was a failure, I'm an anomaly to your perfect family. I'm sorry for all the years you spent money on me. I'm sorry that I was born. 

Thank you for trying and not giving up on me. Thank you for loving me and being the best parents ever. 

Love, me.

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