Unvoiced Thoughts

And I was never the same

I have fought myself countless times, to the point where everything in my mind is dark. So dark, that I can't find myself. I can't really hear the real me screaming, crawling out of the venom the rest of the voices spat on me. “Mental illness,” they call it. I call it “self-destruction”, it's in our DNA after all.

We love being addicted to things that are not for us. Some times being in the dark isn't unavoidable. Some times, it's comfortable. We don't try to get better. We tend to grow fond of things that don't make us tired. And the numbness, oh God how comfortable that is. When you reach the point of numbness, you're in deep waters, not drowning, not floating, just blindly, comfortably suffocating from darkness.

When it's quiet, it's okay. When the voices start screaming loud, you really can't help but fall for their ways. They hiss into your ears till your eyes burn with tears and your heart clenches so much that you feel her breaking under your ribs. The voices aren't kind. They will tear you inside out till there is nothing left. They love biting and scratching at bleeding wounds. They will lick off every piece of love you have from your bones until you are nothing but an empty body, owned by them.

I let them take over me a few times. I still remember how I craved for sleep, so they would stop bothering me. What a fool I was, I thought sleeping would help me get rid of them. How wrong I was. In the dreams, they were alive. Flesh and bones. They actually touched me. In reality, they murdered my mind. Every failure I endured, they were there to laugh at me, every step I wanted to take, they were there to kick me.

It's the worst thing to have your mind being against you.

Sometimes nightmares come in human versions.

I met these type of versions. I would gladly erase them off my memory with a simple mental button. They always leave scars though, you can't heal them easily, you can only love them till they don't hurt no more.

Being in the dark made me appreciate being in the light so much. Darkness was quite interesting. I found parts of myself I thought were dead. The need to express myself through art was intense. I wanted to draw, to write, to dance, to read, to do something that helps the soul so I could soothe the ache deep inside. It helped the healing. That's why having a hobby that touches your heart is good for your mind. It's like your body is charging by doing.

And so darkness seemed to fade away a bit. With every act of art, things started to get off my chest. It is important to feed the soul just as much as the mind. Watching psychology documentaries helped me understand a few more things about the people around me, the toxicity I allowed to control me from others and myself. It was a real eye opener. You think you know someone and then you hear scientific facts about a case that is so similar to yours that you feel like the Earth disappeared from under your feet.

So, the voices, I called them my demons. That's what they were actually, cause they were harming me and ‘my’ because obviously they are in my head. I took good care of them. I fed them fear, nostalgia, despair. I gave them everything they wanted. I was bleeding mentally and they drank my blood until there was no drop left so they seeked for my flesh. I let blood stain my marble floors.

Those demons always existed in my head. They are born with the fear of failure and disappointment but instead of urging me to become better they only tear down at my wounds in joy. Now the tragic part of the case is that those voices grew louder because in my reality, I accepted a lot of pain. I had to fight toxicity from the outside and the inside too.

It was too much.

I came to accept the darkness after I reached the numbness stage. It was cold but I was frozen. I was okay. There was no pain hurting me. The only pain I felt, was of the one due to my revival. I lit up a flame of light in the darkness and I saw all my dead versions around me. That's when I knew, I had to get out of there.

Slowly but surely, I left darkness with bloody footprints behind me. The voices were gone. The wounds were sealed. My heart was strong.

And I was never the same.