dirty little secrets → rc

18: numb

*following chapter contains triggering topics*

"Let's not talk" I breathed whilst something in Rafe's mind must of clicked as he quickly moved his body back away from me as my arms fell limp by my side.

"I know what you're doing" He scoffed loudly crossing his arms over his chest with a narrowed look for some reason I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away from his tensing biceps.

"What?" I said with an innocent smile looking at him.

"You're trying to seduce me?!" He said with an unbelievable look.

"No I wasn't I-" I tried to deny but instead stopped myself "....why did it work?" I grinned taking a step closer to him as he took one back.

"Yes! but that's not the point!"

I smiled in satisfaction hearing that I had just as much of an effect on him as he does me. "Yes?" I pondered tilting my head to the side.

"Just- shut up" Rafe said raising his hand in the air before stressfully raking his hand through his hair.

"I thought you wanted me to talk but I'll shut up," I said nodding.

"God you're annoying" he uttered "Can we just have a civil conversation" he sounded irritated.

"I thought we were" I shrugged sitting down on my window seat and pulling my legs to my chest as he moved his head watching my movements.

"We are talking even if I have to handcuff you to this bed" he pointed at my bed and then back at me as I chuckled.

"Ooo handcuffs kinky" I wiggled my eyebrows with a cheeky grin.

He shot me a blank look before narrowing his eyes looking extremely unamused. He walked slowly over to where I was sitting on the window seat and sat beside me.

"You are going to live up to your side of the deal" he deadpanned.

"Am I?" I mocked.

"I'm serious Willow I told you everything I think I deserve to know why you up and left me"

I sighed knowing he had a point, he'd been honest and I hadn't. "I didn't leave you, Rafe, I had no choice"

"Then help me understand" he begged me with pleading eyes.

"The story isn't that exciting"

"I don't care"

"Fine Rafe you win," I said lowly before turning my head to stare out the window, the beach looked calm as small waves crashed against the shore. 

I smiled at the sight trying to focus on that rather than the past. 

But I owed Rafe the truth.

I took a deep breath continuing to stare outside, "Well uh- you know when Cece died how I acted...I was drinking a shit ton taking a bunch of pills I don't know my memories are pretty hazy" I admitted feeling his stare on the side of my face.

"I wanted to forget...and I wanted to feel numb just not feel the constant pain that never seemed to stop. I don't remember a whole lot from that night all I know is that I was drinking here in my room" I said my voice sounding straining as I felt the tears pooling in my eyes, I never talked about this to anyone out loud, and as much as I tried to dissociate it still hurt recalling the events like I was feeling it all over again.

"All I know is that my father walked in on me unconscious...I'd drunken to the point where I was barely breathing...I don't even remember anything...I don't remember drinking that night. I was rushed to the hospital had my stomach pumped and everything."

"I woke up the next morning beyond confused I'd had no idea what happened...my parents didn't even come to check on me I was completely alone while handcuffed to my hospital bed."

"Why handcuffed?" Rafe asked cautiously as I turned my head to look at him, he looked concerned as a tear slid down my cheek.

"The doctor said it was my own safety...that it was an attempt to hurt myself," I said with the tears now freely following down my face "I wasn't trying to kill myself Rafe...I just wanted to feel numb...I didn't want to die I swear but no one believed me" I said between sobs. 

I hadn't noticed when Rafe moved closer to me on the seat, I barely even registered when he wrapped his hands around my body.

I cried into his shoulder as he stroked my hair trying to calm me down, and he did just that. 

I felt better being in his embrace, I wasn't used to people caring for me or actually being there for me so being comforted by the man I was supposed to hate didn't feel entirely wrong.

Once I'd gotten my emotions under control I keep my crying at bay but stayed in his embrace, "When my parents saw me they told me I was moving away to boarding school" I mumbled against his t-shirt. "I had an hour to pack up my essentials and leave...I didn't even have time to say goodbye."

Rafe tighten his hold around my body stroking my back, "They sent me off to boarding school instead of helping me...or caring for me...." My voice broke as the tears started streaming again.

"Shh it's okay, you're okay now...you're home" he whispered hugging me tightly and stroking my back. "I'm sorry you went through everything alone"

Spending a few more minutes in his embrace I'd run out of tears to cry and he'd been whispering sweet nothings in my ears the entire time. 

Surprisingly Rafe had comforted me, and made me feel better. Despite everything he put me through he'd helped me and made me temporarily realize that I'm not completely alone, he was there when I needed someone today.

He's Rafe Cameron nevertheless, an arrogant, selfish, entitled boy who'd left me heartbroken. 

But something about his behavior today started to show me how he wanted to change. I knew in my heart he wanted to be a good person, like the guy I fell for last summer. I wasn't sure what had changed in a year but I knew he was hurting, that much was evident to me. He wasn't the same in social situations he was more withdrawn, sadder, and angrier.

Rafe had changed but whether it was for better or for worse...I wasn't too sure.

But then again I'd changed as well, I wasn't the same girl who'd left all those months ago.