Thoughts of an Aspiring Gentleman

My Birth and I

(To my Gender Dysphoria... Entered into Cicanda magazine)

The question I ask most; why?
Perhaps a child, a father, a grieving widow ask as well
I refuse to deny
That what you cause is normal

Myself, I am always until the very day I die
We are different, you and I
Misfortunes I have can never justify
The agony I see within my heart's eye
Within this eye lies a boy
Free and open, he's out
He's happy with joy
But there's another part of him
Who is he to be hiding?
Veiled in doubt
Wisps of curls suckle on his sins
Caressing the mystery that he fears
And all that he holds dear
You were always lying
Not me

I hear
They say
I hear that you were born this way
You say to this little boy that he's wrong
And all I see is reflected in my eyes
As if the breasts in the mirror are both lumpy lies
Filled with nothing but truth
Staring me right in the face
Laced with soft cheeks and fair skin
Perhaps I should grin
Appreciate what I hate the most
Cause it's nothing of life's worst

You are the new breed to self-hatred
You are the new breed of discrimination
I stare at myself
I say, "Plump hips, you are in vain.
Gentle fingertips, you are a pain.
Soft smile, you are but a cover
Hiding the malice beneath."

So - I devalue
I devalue my body
Similar to the skinny girls and boys who cannot fight obesity
Who cannot fight anorexia
Who cannot fight an invisible war
Body and mind has in store

So - I say once more,
"Holy jaw you are my pride
Broad shoulders, upon a lady, there is no maiden who has as fortunate as a future as a lad to have.
Grail of eyebrows and dense eyes -
How can the man inside be disguised?"

Dysphoria, you are the one I see
You've given me a right for me to be me
But I was just me
In the beginning
And in the last drops of tears I shed
You are just a small part
Of the journey that is me

You can call me deceived
To refuse who society meets,
"She."
Dysphoria what have you taken?
Nothing
Just the undeniable doubts
built years upon you
Now I see what you are
Nor love nor hate I feel for you
Yet you are the one who proves the most
That you are a she
Who's crawling and itching to destroy me
Since birth
Teasing the gift of giving birth
Congratulating my shocks and shame
And I said to you,
Realizing what you have always tried to show me,
"I am a he."