darker days

10/2 12am

I'll admit it; I'm jealous of everyone around me and often times you.

Everyone gets to go to cool places or in general places.... With someone.

They always have a.... Someone.

They can go to carnivals and hang at the mall..... With someone.

At class, they can always work flawlessly.... With someone.

Then there's me, y'know? Stuck at home out of school, one extrovert friend that makes you always awkward and doesn't.understand you, and the other who isn't trapped by her parent's will.

I'm jealous, not of heartbreak, but of the people who can perk up everyday at lunch and laugh. I always sit alone and isolated.

Everywhere I go, I am just a blurry face. A weird teenager trailing her mom and dad, sometimes physically holding onto them because they were all I recognize.

I'm.the only teenager at the zoo. The girl with no one to talk to, no one smiling her way. 

I'm jealous of how easily they can laugh, how they can so easily stand straight and tall, even if it was a facade.

I was never good at lying. All they, the people who don't know me, the ones who judge only by gossip, parent stories, and looks, can see is this:

The geek girl. Doesn't speak much. Dead looking unless spoken to, and even then, a poor attempt. Visibly awkward, slouches, mutters to herself. A weirdo. Known only by her androgynous nickname, no real personality.attached to name. Cold-looking. Don't talk to her.

Z can go to ramen shops and shop at the mall at friends. You can have sleepovers, go to carnivals. Realize your crushes, if any. 

Really though; I'm thankful for all I have. Genuinely.

But would anyone notice if I one day disappear? Would anyone care if I jumped into traffic, or jumped off a bridge into the dirty river far below? If I tied a rope around me neck, or bled to death, both in heart and in skin? 

No one at my high school has seen me cry yet but there's so many times when I want to collapse and sob.

Whenever I trip and fall,.I don't bounce back up. I stay down on the dirty floor for minutes at a time.

I'm tired.

I don't want to move.

My life is worthless.

I don't want to get up anymore. I want to give up, just close my eyes and REST. Forever.

I want to be away and I don't feel at home