Letters to Loved Ones

9-29-2021

There is a song called 'Normal Girl' by SZA where she wrote "This time next year, I'll be living so good, won't remember your name" Then she says again "This time next year. I'll be living so good, won't remember no pain". Ever since I heard this verse in 2017 when she dropped her Ctrl album, I think of it every time I would get hung up on someone. But unfortunately, this year, as much as I told myself that, the memories still have not faded away.

A year ago, I met someone and at first glance I did not think much of this person. I didn't even find them attractive. When October came around, I slowly started being more and more intrigued by their character. I wasn't expecting to meet someone who shared so many of the same values as I. I also wasn't expecting to meet someone who saw the beauty in the same niche music I listen to, but I did. Every time I tried to build distance between us, they would come around and give me another reason to fawn over them. Setting the bar higher and higher each time and making it harder for me.

I tried to balance myself during the entire duration of this connection. As much as I tried to be logical and nonchalant towards them, I couldn't help but to trip on my feelings every once in a while and expose my true self towards them. Now it was never direct but there were moments when I looked into their eyes and I knew that they saw it in me, and sometimes I gazed into theirs long enough to see a glimmer of infatuation towards me as well. There was also this rapport we had where we were always complimenting each other's character. I would think to myself at the very least I have a friend and that was good enough for me.

Once January hit that is when things started to change. The thing I tried to caution myself from couldn't come any sooner and I was not seeing this person as frequent as I use to. I've heard people say, 'absence make the heart grow fonder'. I think absence just makes the heart grow scared. I missed him and I convinced myself he missed me as well. Although how am I ever to know?

Eventually we stopped communicating slowly and then all at once. Every time we talked it would be because I was reaching out. Their energy was no longer matched up with mine and I could feel them slipping away. That is when I started telling myself that the grief would go away in a year's time. Well, it will officially be a year in a few days' time, and I found myself swallowing my pride and calling them in hopes to hear their voice and maybe even have the courage to tell them I miss them. No answer. I knew this was officially the end of this connection.

I hate to think like this, but I couldn't help but wonder if it was all in my head. Did they feel it too or just enjoyed being admired by someone? It felt real when we looked into each other's eyes, and I would swear up and down that I could see it inside him. But there is just no way of knowing. What they think and feel about me is none of my business. I also wonder at times if my feelings were true, or was I just drunk off my first crush since my adolescence? I struggle with depression on a day to day. It's so easy to drown yourself in your own sadness. Sometimes we get so use to feeling numb that anytime we have a strong emotion we want sulk in it. I remember thinking months before I met this person that I wanted to feel love again. More specifically I thought even if that person doesn't love me back, I want to feel infatuated and happy for someone else. I was sick and tired of the only strong emotion I felt in my life was despair. So regardless of the outcome, I am still grateful for the time I was given.

Part of me does not want to get over you because I don't want to forget the way I felt around you. But if I live in the past for too long it could ruin my future. Wanting can be so damaging to the soul. I think the lesson here is that if you want something too bad it's not meant for you. Growing up is realizing you must make peace with the things that didn't happen for you. And love is something that is already inside ourselves. Being grateful for what we already have is the only way to feel happy and loved while being alone. If you find the beauty in your own life and are successful in taking care of yourself and your relationships, everything else should fall into place.

For what it's worth, I will always remember you and I'm grateful for the time I had with you. It's unfortunate that you were just another lesson to be learned, but with all my love I release the holds we have on each other so that we can focus on our own journey. I can't hope or wish on it but if love comes my way again, I will be ready for it this time.