Disorderly Complicated

Chapter 4

When I awoke the next morning I no longer felt the pressure that I did when I fell asleep. When I looked into the mirror I saw what I had done. The pressure was replaced by something far different. The damage I was doing to my body was now visible. Unlike the writing on my wrist and stomach there was no hiding this, I couldn’t cover it up with a baggy sweatshirt. This was there and there was no hiding that. I had given myself two black eyes, and in the corner of my eyes you could see the blood creeping onto the white part. It looked a lot worse than it was, and at first it did scare me. Until I noticed it had no effect on my vision. I remembered that I had read somewhere before about this. Somewhere I read that throwing up can cause blood vessels to pop, and that’s exactly what I did. I tried to stay calm, and not focus on it. However, I knew that sometime between now and school I had to figure out some way of making the damage less visible or something.

I got ready for school, wearing my fat girl skinny jeans and a baggy sweatshirt. I throw my hair up into a loose pony tail. Throughout the morning the thought of hiding the damage rested in the back of my mind. Somehow I was able to come up with a short term solution, which was putting on sunglasses. Although I couldn’t wear them all day but for now they would do.

I didn’t want to take off my sunglasses, I had no excuse prepared. I removed my sunglasses slowly from my face. I sat in class with my head down trying to avoid eye contact. The thoughts I’ve tried to keep out impacted me, without a warning. I was trying so hard to think about what I was going to do next; I let my guard down just enough for my brutal thoughts to creep out.

I shifted my body as I stood up for O’Canada, my hands intertwined with each other repeatedly as I fidgeted with them. I watched the room, corner to corner, as if I was waiting for something, someone. Something approached my thoughts, overtaking my relaxed state of mind. Its words became a burden on my soul as it started up my train of thought.

My world spun upside down. A place I don’t want to be. I’m finding it harder to know, who I am, anymore. I wasn’t trying to complain about life. I usually just take what I get, and fight for what I don’t have. Although I may wonder but I don’t regret. Today and now is something else. My realistic views were blurred. I haven’t gained any distance away, still falling down. I lost everything but faith and hope and that explains why I am still here. I’m strong like a hurricane but broken and nobody ever saw the cracks, though they were there. I can’t blame it on anyone except myself. I’m the real monster under my own bed, the killer in this horror movie.

I hadn’t noticed it until I paused my thoughts, but I was hyperventilating and swaying back and forth. I was only inches from braking down. I could feel the lump in my throat, and my lungs became tighter with every second. My eyes were glazed over, but the thoughts resumed. I was lost within them again.

I'm not who I want to be and I can’t be who I was. Until, I can be real with myself, so this pain doesn’t haunt me anymore, I can’t keep living this life. I knew I was going to crash and I might not come out who I wanted to be.

I choked on my breath as I tried to squeeze it down my throat. The girl ahead of me turns to face be but I look away. In the corner of my eye, I can notice the teacher mouthing the words “are you okay.” Although what did she expect, of course I was going to say yes whether it was the truth or not. I nodded my head, to reply to her. At this point I couldn’t stop myself from swaying. My feet were unstable, and my thoughts were unbalanced. I gripped the side of my desk tightly trying to steady myself. I was waiting to collapse.

The headaches worsened, and every pain my body had felt before was doubled. The lack of food was getting to me, but I couldn’t give in. If I did, everything would have been wasted. I was so close; I could see beauty just outside my window instead of darkness that lurks within. I was so close to being a thin version of beauty. It was just outside my window, I could already taste the sweetened, beauty enriched air that leaked into my soul. I withdrew every craving from my empty body replacing it with pure will power.