Disorderly Complicated

Chapter 5

We reached the school without talking. I reached out my hand, and it made contact with the cold metal. I waited for words that never came. My reflection was shown in the glass, I wondered if she saw it. She mustn’t have, by the way she moved her body closer to mine, as if to say keep going. I couldn’t help but notice my reflection beside hers. In my head I questioned why she didn’t see it, and wondered if she even wanted to. Why was I so breath taken every time I saw my own reflection? This question puzzled me. I caught my breath, that for a moment I lost as I looked at the reflection. I continued my previous action, pushing the door open, so we could walk through. Still the thought was buried in the back of my mind, and I could feel it moving about.

It wasn’t until I entered the school until the truth sank in. I wanted so bad to be beautiful. Walking beside her was like walking beside an angel. I looked like nothing compared to her. The feeling wasn’t new, it was just a reminder. I didn’t have to break down, and tell her anything because somehow she noticed. This only made me concerned because I wondered who else noticed. Then again, did it really matter? The bell went off again, calling me to class. My emotions rested on my tongue, which is why I didn’t speak. I made it upstairs and she was still walking beside me. I broke off from her side when I directed myself to my locker. Lately I have left the lock on my locker unlocked because of the difficulty I have been having trying to remember the combination. I removed my lock so that my locker door could open. I reached up to the top shelf and grabbed my binder for science.

Walking down the high school hallways was like a walk of shame when you pass by so many beautiful people. The door was open to the classroom, only welcoming me to another room in which I could be surrounded by people who I was jealous of.

I couldn’t sink deep enough into my own skin, I was still there. I knew I would never come close to those around me. I’d be the one girl who lacks beauty, I already was.

Every other day, I find myself, pretending to be some smart ass, and disturbance so that I get a few laughs. The laughs from my classmates made me feel wanted and important. Often I find it difficult to gain those feelings naturally.

My grades have plummeted in this class alone, though I couldn’t take all the blame, he was a terrible teacher. I wasn’t a straight A student, I lacked ambition, or so I was told. However, since I began to struggle with these issues my grades went from 80’s to 70’s, but in this class I had a 62. My mom did wonder what was going on, but if it weren’t for my believable lies, she would know. I ran off some excuse to get her off track. She didn’t know I didn’t eat, she didn’t know about a lot of my life. Since my dad left for work, he was never home, and more often than not my mom worked late. Although I did have siblings they were a lot older. My brother, who was seven years older, had already moved out on his own. He was more like a father, since my dad could never meet even the lowest of standards. My brother taught me how to fish, how to play sports and fix a truck. Clearly I wasn’t a very girlie-girl, until my sister gained an interest in dressing me up, doing my makeup and hair. She was probably fed up with having a fat and ugly sibling. It must have brought her down socially. She was five years older than me and had already gone off to college. She was a gorgeous, athletic, blonde. With a family like this I couldn’t help but feel like a letdown. Our family was broken, and I blame that on myself.

The class ended, and as I got up from my seat. I closed my binder and a piece of paper fell out, landing on the floor, in front of Taylor as she was walking out. Before I could grab it she had picked it up, and looked at it with wondering eyes. When I went to take my page back unaware of what was written on it, I noticed the expression on her face. She happened to be looking at me and then down at my page. I quickly took the page from her grasp, and looked at it. I had written things about my eating problem on it. I knew she had seen too much by the look she gave me. I took a deep breath, as I waited for her to say something, anything. She just saw through my disguise and every part of me was revealed. I felt so exposed. She wasn’t supposed to see that, she wasn’t supposed to read that, she wasn’t supposed to know any of that. My mind couldn’t settle. I bit my lower lip, drawing blood. She still hadn’t said anything. She looked intensely at me with her dark brown eyes.