Okay

Untitled Part 1

I'm exhausted.

Inhale.

Hhhhhhhh. Exhale.

I'm exhausted however that-that is an understatement.

I am exhausted and it's the kind of exhaustion that runs so deep-that I do not know where it ends and I begin.

It is the kind of exhausted that make my thoughts so tired, they do not even have the energy to run wild.

Even the voices are silent because there is no energy for them to feed off of.

The demons in my soul are even still hidden in their shadows for even they are too tired to come out and attack me.

My bones are cold, with no way of gaining heat. My skin warm, desperately seeking to regain a little bit of life back into me.

Despite this I still need to drag myself through this day. I still need to pretend to be okay. I still need to smile at everyone and bring the joy to those who do not have any, even though I am one of those people at this moment.

At most moments.

I still need to go about my day.

I need to ignore the silent screams and please of my mind, body and soul. I need to dig deep down inside of myself and find the emotions I do not quite understand but still need to pretend to feel, while at the same time suppressing the emotions I do understand and I feel too much of.

So, I open my eyes. I open my eyes and stare at the blank ceiling. The blanket covers me as I lay on my bed but yet it offers me no comfort. Honestly though, what was I expecting from it? For it to come alive and hug me? To whisper words of affection and admiration in my ear that would encourage me to actually try today?

To give me an actual reason to feel anything but numb and exhausted.

Even the sky cries behind the close window in my room. The curtains blocking out the view but not the sound. Barely letting in any of the little light that the undoubtedly grey clouds will allow.

The sky has more emotion than I do.

The sky has more emotion than I do and yet I still have enough inside of me to feel a little bit envious of it. Envious that even though it is exactly like me, also always bottling its feelings inside until they all bubble to the surface causing storm clouds, the sky is able to cry.

To let go.

To be free until its next release.

Unlike me-who is still left stuck with it all, unable to release anything.

Inhale.

Hhhhhhhh. Exhale.

Today I am going to be okay.

Today I am going to remove the blanket from around me. I am going to get up one movement at a time. I am going to sit on the edge of my bed for a moment with my feet on the cold wooden floor. I am going to allow the fresh cool feeling of the floor to seep into my burning skin and awaken me.

Today I will go about my day.

Today I will go about my day and be okay.

Today I am going to be okay.

Today I will be okay.

Today I will be okay.

Today.
I.
Will.
B-pretend to be.
Okay.