depressed | emily prentiss x reader

chapter sixteen

hii i'm sorry it's been so long since i updated, i've had not motivation to write tbh. if there's anything in particular you want to see within this story before it ends, please, please, please dm me bc i'm running out of ideas. there's only so many times y/n can have a breakdown ahdjans

enjoy<3

tw- i don't think there's anything triggering in particular, but there are themes of feeling like nothing will get better

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it was about five minutes after my therapy session ended when emily softly knocked on the door.

i'm sat on my bed leaning against the headboard, my knees to my chest and my hands holding my drooped head. i did therapy over the phone this week, i was pretty exhausted and didn't feel like going into the bau for it.

"you can come in." i shout out to emily, not shifting my position.

i hear the door open and footsteps walking towards me. i feel the bed dip under my body as she perches herself on the edge, by my knees.

"how was it?" she asks.

"intense."

it was taking me a while to get used to talking about my problems- which was both emotionally and mentally draining.

"do you wanna talk about it?"

"i don't think it's working." i admit.

emily swings her legs onto the bed and crosses them. 

"it's only been three sessions, y/n. you've got to give it time."

"how much time?"

"i don't know."

"i just want to be ok." i sigh, disheartened. "i shouldn't feel this shit all the time. i shouldn't be triggered by a kitchen utensil. you shouldn't have to rub ice on my arm because i want to hurt myself. it's so stupid."

"it's not stupid. you know i don't mind at all, i will do anything to help you." emily reassures.

"well i mind." i huff.

i get up and walk out of the room, down to the kitchen. emily follows closely behind me.

"y/n."

i open up the cabinet and grab a glass then fill it up with water. i take a gulp then set it down.

"no, emily. i'm sorry. i appreciate your help but i'm fed up of needing it. i'm too old to be looked after."

"you are never 'too old' to be looked after. there is no age limit for that. i'm your friend, that's what i'm here for. i know you're too stubborn to see it, but i'm here voluntarily. i want to help."

"but i don't deserve that."

i start rubbing my arm over my sleeve to create friction, giving me the sensation i needed. emily grabs onto my hand to stop me then leads me over to the couch.

"what makes you think you don't deserve help?" she enquires whilst sitting right beside me.

"because i'm a lost cause, i'm too far gone. there's no point in helping someone that can't be fixed."

emily furrows her eyebrows in sympathy. she wraps her arm around me and pulls my body into hers, my head now resting on her shoulder. a tear rolls down my cheek involuntarily as i, once again, come to the conclusion that i will never be ok.

during the past couple of weeks, i'd let myself be optimistic about my future. i'd let emily convince me that things would get better. but deep down, i knew that wasn't true. i had been ill for so long, the effects were irreversible at this point. it'd take a full brain transplant to change the trauma that has been caused.

"the damage has already been done." i quiver.

"you do realise none of that is true, don't you?"

i don't answer.

"i guess i'm forever damaged because of my trauma as well then." emily states.

"well, no. that's different." i argue.

"how?"

"because it's you. you're stronger than am i and you deserve to be happy." i reply, knowing where she was going with this.

"and you don't?"

"no."

emily repositions herself so i'm no longer resting on her shoulder and her body is facing mine.

"y/n, there's no difference between you and i. we've both been through things that have impacted us, but that does not we can't overcome it." she begins. "you deserve to be happy, and you deserve help. your trauma was not your fault, so stop punishing yourself for it."

she keeps her eyes firmly locked with mine. her tone of voice was so sincere it made the tears flow out of my eyes with no hesitation. i don't bother trying to stop them or wipe them away, i  let them slip off my face and form dark spots
on my jumper.

"you're far too hard on yourself. i've noticed it ever since you joined the team. you set your own standards so high, with work, with life, with everything. you have to remember that it's ok if you're not 100% all the time. it's unrealistic." emily emphasised.

i shift my gaze to my hands that were now resting in my lap. i knew she was right.

"i know you want to get better, but i also know you're scared too. you're scared that when you do get better, sooner or later it'll all come crashing back down again. but you can't live in fear of something you have no control over. life is crazy and unpredictable, which is exciting! we don't know what's gonna happen, and that's not something that should be feared."

"how do you always know the right thing to say?" i sniff.

i look up and smile at her, she smiles back and wipes the tears from my cheeks.

"i'm sorry."

"whoa, you have nothing to apologise for. how many times do i have to tell you that?" she laughs and jokingly nudges me. "just promise me you'll keep giving therapy a chance. it might take a bit of time, but there's no deadline. you can have sessions for as long as you need them, ok? you'll get there y/n, i know you will."

i nod my head, my lips quivering so much i was unable to speak. emily had time and time again made me feel so loved and cared for- it was something i wasn't used to but i gratefully appreciated it.

"thank you, emily. for everything."

she kisses my forehead and pulls me in for a hug.

"anytime." she whispers in my ear.