depressed | emily prentiss x reader

chapter eighteen

the way i'm not ready for this story to end but i know it needs to. next chapter will be the last one

tw- mention of self harm, blood, slight suicidal tendencies

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today had been the first good i'd had in a long time. i was anxious during the play, constantly twisting the silver band on my finger, but i got through it for emily. she had a huge smile on her face the whole time, and that made it all worth it.

when we get back to the apartment we order food, watch a film and chat for a bit. emily had been avoiding bringing up me going back to work- i think she didn't want to freak me out. but the day was nearing and we both knew it couldn't be ignored any longer.

"how are you feeling about going back on tuesday?" she asks with a calming tone.

"erm." i think for a minute, truth be told, i wasn't too sure how i felt about it. "i'm nervous. it's like i'm starting my first day all over again. but i'm ready...?"

"you are ready! and you are capable of doing this y/n. i know it's scary, and it's been a hard couple of months, but we are all here for you and hotch has made it very clear that you can ease back in as slowly as you need to."

"i know, i think it will be ok." i say hesitantly.

"it will. our desks are right next to each other so you'll still have me right there with you. unfortunately you can't get rid of me anymore." she jokes.

i let out a laugh. she always knew what to say to make me smile.

we talk things through for a bit longer before heading to bed. emily falls asleep fairly quickly but i couldn't drift off. out of nowhere, my anxiety rocketed and i could feel it in my stomach.

i get up and go into the bathroom to splash my face with some cold water, hoping that would calm my thoughts. it didn't. i glance down at the cabinet and suddenly find myself opening the door and taking out my tools.

i sharply inhale before swiping the silver metal across my arm. an instant feeling of relief came over me, which i hated, but willingly accepted.

still relishing in the high of the pain, i sneak out of the bathroom, emily was still fast asleep, and i continue my journey down the stairs. my apartment had a small balcony, i never used it and kept it locked, but in this moment i decided to go out onto it.

i place my tools on the side table and grab hold of the railings. i keep a firm grip as i peer over the edge and look down. it was about 2am so it was quiet outside, only the sound of the wind and the occasional car passing by. it was peaceful and serene.

the wind blows through my hair as i hold my head up, close my eyes and take a deep, shaky, breath. my anxiety had subsided, but it was definitely still there.

"y/n?" i hear.

i don't reply until emily calls my name a little louder.

"i just needed some air." i explain without turning around, a tear rolling down my cheek involuntarily.

"can you just step back from the edge a little?"

i take another deep breath, look over the edge once more then step back into emily's arms. she held me tightly, and i let her. i wasn't going to jump, i just needed the adrenaline rush from it.

"hey you're ok, it's ok." emily comforts.

forgetting my sleeve was still rolled up, and the fact i hadn't sorted out my wounds, she quickly sees the result of my previous actions. she gives me a sympathetic look before letting go of me and going to retrieve a wash cloth, a towel and some bandages.

i take a seat on the floor by the open door, crossing my legs. when emily returns she sits on her knees next to me. i hold my arm out for her, as a way to let her know it's ok for her to do what needs to be done.

"i'm scared to go back." i admit whilst she cleans the blood from my arm.

"that's totally understandable." emily replies. "it's going to be a big adjustment, and it won't be easy but you can do this. you just have to give yourself some time to settle back into the routine of things and it'll be like you never left! everybody is there to support you, they all love you and will help make this transition as easy for you as possible. the only thing that's holding you back is yourself."

after my arm was cleaned and bandaged, and a few more minutes of emily's pep talk, i stand up, grab my tools from the balcony table then shut the door and lock it. i see her eyes following me as i walk into the kitchen. i hold them in my hand and stare at them before dropping them into the bin.

"y/n." she shockingly gasps.

i look up at her then realise what i was doing, i dove my hand back into the bin and got the box out.

"ok that was a bit optimistic, i can't just throw them away. but i do want to get clean."

i hear emily slightly chuckle as she walks over and pulls me in for a hug. my head rests perfectly on her shoulder.

"you can do this." she says.