He Says He's Just A Friend

Chapter 68 - Accept Yourself

- Clay -

"I'm ready when you are." Emmett said, looking over at me. I sat on his bed, twiddling my thumbs, my knee bouncing rapidly. "It's not too late to back out."

I nodded, taking a swig from my water bottle to remedy my dry mouth. "It is. But even if it wasn't. I want to do this. I need to do this."

Emmett came over to sit beside me. He kissed my cheek. "I love you."

"Thank you for doing this with me." I gave him a peck on the lips.

"Anything for you, love."

I took a deep breath and gave Emmett the nod to start the recoding.

My entire body trembled. My hands were visibly shaking. I wasn't sure if it was from fear or excitement. Maybe both.

"Hi," I said, waving lamely at the phone. "My name is Clay. But if you're watching this you follow me, or go to school with me, so you probably already knew that."

I shook my head, rubbing my sweaty palms on my jeans. "Sorry. I'm really nervous. I don't really like being the center of attention. Or talking about myself." I glanced at Emmett, who smiled. I turned back to the camera. "But I have to now. Because someone I know-someone I thought was my friend-is basically forcing me into this."

I felt like I was speaking way too slowly, though I knew this was my natural pace. Everything just seemed to be moving at a glacial pace right now. As if the world had shifted on its axis and fallen into some freaky time slip.

"I won't let him dictate my life, or take this moment away from me. This should come from me. It should be my voice that says the words. So, here goes." I cleared my throat. "I'm gay."

I laughed and shrugged. "I'm gay!"

I couldn't believe I was saying the words out loud with such abandonment and joy. I thought this would be horrible. But it was oddly freeing.

"If you actually know me, this may come as a surprise, since I've exclusively dated girls. To them, I apologize if I ever caused you pain because I was unsure of myself. Robin, you were the best first girlfriend a gay boy could ask for. Dinah, I miss you dearly. You will always have a special place in my heart." I laid a hand on my chest. I knew she followed me, but I didn't know if she would watch this. "Summer, I love you, and I'm so sorry I was such a shitty boyfriend. I'm glad you found a better guy. You're amazing, and you deserve nothing less than complete devotion. Thank you for being the first person to accept me for who I am. For letting me cry on your shoulder when I thought I would never be able to find love."

I looked over at Emmett and took his hand, lacing our fingers together. "Speaking of which, you may be wondering about this guy sitting beside me. His name is Emmett. And he's my amazing, nerdy boyfriend, whom I love and adore with every fiber of my being."

Emmett kissed the side of my head. "I love you, too." he whispered in my ear.

"He's the reason I'm doing this." I said. "Not only because he gave me the courage to be myself, to love the parts of me I thought were unlovable, which he did, but also because I refuse to let anyone use our relationship as a weapon against me. My love for him is more real and pure than anything I've ever felt in my whole life. I won't have it held over my head like it's something to be ashamed of. So, I'm taking control of my life and telling everyone. Metaphorically shouting it from the rooftops, as it were. I'm gay. And if you've got a problem with it, then frankly fuck you."

I let out a nervous laugh. "Um, okay. That's it. Have a great day."

I turned to Emmett. "Do you think that was okay?"

"I think it was amazing."

I grinned and leaned in to kiss him. I pressed my forehead against his. "I couldn't have done it without you."

"I'm so proud of you."

I glanced off to the side, suddenly remembering that we hadn't stopped the recording. I grabbed the phone off the stack of books in Emmett's desk chair-his idea of a makeshift tripod-and pressed stop.

"I should probably edit that last bit out before I post it." I said.

"Or you could just post it as is. It's supposed to be real and raw, right?" Emmett shrugged. "But it's your coming out video. You should do it however you think is right."

I blew out a breath. "My coming out video? I hadn't really thought of it like that. Which is so dumb, because that's totally what it is."

"Are you scared?"

"Terrified." I said as I readied the post, typing a brief comment to intrigue my followers into watching it. I also tagged three of the most notorious gossips at Huntington High to get the word out quicker. "And kind of exhilarated."

Emmett wrapped his arms around me, laying his head against mine.

I stared at the button that would send the post out to the world, the muscles in my chest tightening, making it harder to breathe. "I don't think I can press it." I turned to Emmet. "Will you do it for me?"

"I will if you really want me to, but I think it should be you." he said, gently stroking my cheek.

I nodded. Taking a deep, shaky breath, I raised my thumb to the button. Before I could second-guess myself, I tapped it.

It was out there. I was out. The world could now see me for who I really was. Or, at least, the ones on Instagram. My friends said they would share the video. Jackson, Mark and Tyler were sweet for offering, but they had a collective following of ninety-six. It was Brandon, with his daily thirst-trap shirtless selfies, and his eight thousand followers, who could really make a difference.