Jo Tum Na Ho... Jab mein na rahu....

Ch 1: Shiva Jo tum na ho.....

Just a fact: Hindi is not a language I'm used to Writing in, so bare with my transcripts 💕

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Chapter 1: Sleepless nights....

Aadat daal le Shiva, vo yaha nahi hei....

It was the third consecutive time, that he had woken up in the middle of the the night. He would be lying if he said that he had fallen asleep_ not consciously atleast. Because Sleep was the only thing that Shiva Pandya was scared of.

Sapno me na Bhootnath, humare dil ke baatein, aur din bhar ke baatei yaad aati h....

He chuckled to himself in the dark. Her voice.... Would he be able to live without hearing it?? Was this suffocation... this desperation.... this- this hollow-ness going to accompany him forever?? Was this his punishment,...or reward?
His mind had take to replaying every emotion that his eyes had seen cross her face, if he tried....he would even be able to count the number of tears she had shed.

Why! Oh WHY!? why did he have to suffer this heartache? His entire being ached for her. Pinpricks and stabs were Nothing - this thing being pierced into him was a thousand times more painful.

You can die for her _ but can you really, live without her??....

In the darkness of his room, yes.... he'd gotten used to calling their room his. Reason - this was the only thing of her's that he could have, and that no-one would question him for/about. His Maami had made sure to take away everything, EVERYTHING that was her's. (He laughed at himself again) And his pathetic excuse of a heart and self had searched for those scrapes sooo hard!

Not her comb, that he'd been using.
Not her hairclips, that he was used to finding on any surface of their little space
Not her earings, that she tossed away every night.
Not her fallen ghungru of her dress or jewelry
Nothing, just nothing of her's had been left back for him.
As to why he called this all pathetic? Because he'd been so devastated that he'd taken to holding her pillow close to heart and has cried himself to sleep when he couldn't find her dark brown strand of lock(strand_of_hair)

He held his pillow close to his heart once again, making sure to handle it delicately. He had to spend a lifetime leaning on it, he couldn't just let her last thing get ruined. Willing his mind to think of their happy moments, he stared into the dark....

But he'd forgotten that he didn't actually have a control over his heart, his Dil, nomore listened to him.... And so he remembered why he couldn't sleep even when sleep made a half-hearted grab for him......

It all started when they were at the haveli. The both shared a bed, but slept with heads in Polar opposite directions. And the Very First night, she'd held onto his leg in a vice like grip. Not used to this, he had woken up startled. But by the time he willed himself to fall asleep with her attached to him, she'd changed her mind.....and change her mind ,she did -20 times . She moved from his calf to his ankle, from ankle to his knees and from knees to his lap. Her entire body as if crawling up on his body. Finally she settled for his lap(thies) , her hands reaching up to hug him at his waist.
So just like that, every night Raavi would unconsciously shift enough to rest her head on his thies and hold him at his waist. And Every morning he would move her back to her initial position, to save her of awkwardness.

When they arrived back home, and in their own bed.... Where they slept with their backs facing eachother, he waited the first night for her to move. And his chipk- Raavi didn't disappoint him. She had made a Legit Claim on his biceps. She would somedays lay her head on them or his shoulder. Somedays she would rest her head on his chest. Somedays she would be laying all over him and someday rare days she pulled him onto her.... Like he said, his gadhe- she had a claim on his biceps, and him.....but only when she slept, only when she was unaware....

How did she sleep without him now? Did she know that he was her stuffed toy? Did she miss his warmth, like he missed her's....

Was what he did, wrong? Was she awake like him, at a ungodly hour? His thoughts did nothing to soothe his burning heart. His hands reached out in the dark for her, but all he found was the cold empty space. Silent sobbs started to shake his huge self, he pushed his head in his pillow in despair. No one heard his cries, probably no one would.... For he'd once been gifted an angel, something he couldn't treasure, Something that was not his to treasure. Angels belonged to heaven, and all he had to offer (except Nothing) was Hell ....

So clutching his scraps together,- his self shattered heart, his half-hearted resolv, their all tainted memories and all his broken woves....he closed his eyes in pain ....

Oh how would he live without her,.... How would he breath without her....

Tu is rishte ko eak mauka toh de -

And he again broke down onto violent sobs, gripping his pillow in one hand , his other gripping on the sheets of her side.....

Aadat daal le Shiva, vo yaha nahi hei....

(Song lyrics: Shayad ..../jo tum na ho....)

Joh tum na ho, rahange hum nahi...
Joh tum na ho , Toh hum hai hum nahi....
Na chayea kuch tumse zyada, tumse kum nahi ...