Jo Tum Na Ho... Jab mein na rahu....

Ch 1:Raavi. Jo tum na ho....

The stickers of stars on the ceiling glowed in the soft blue light of the table lamp. Bells of hand-made windchimes, tinkled softly making a occasional melancholic sound. The crickets had stopped making noises a while back. She could hear her own heavy breathing.... she'd been taking deep breaths for too long now. She hated how everytime she reached her count of 50 inhales, her mind went back to wanting to let the dam break. She had to give it(credit) to her though, she'd improved....

Good job Raavi, pehle 2 din tu 10 bar saans(breath) lete he tere aasu rone pe utar aate the ...aaj to 50 tak bina roye count kar rahi hei....

The minute she stepped into the room at her Maasi's place, she promised herself that she would not let even a stray tear leave her eye -Not For Him

She wouldn't shed a tear! No tear of her's would leave her eyes now! Not-a-single-one....

Her pep talks of not doing the obvious(crying - sheding those tears), seemed to have a effect only when she was awake. Because the minute she tried to sleep, her eyes would betray her.....

As a child Raavi had learnt that she had the cutest smile and the most heart melting puppy eyes. And she used it to her benifit all the time. Another thing that Raavi never heard someone sa, but knew to be true was - Smiles and Laughter are the perfect mask for hiding your pain and sorrow. So she smiled the biggest, and laughed the loudest whenever misery struck her. Even in despair, she could smile.... It was the simplest thing to so afterall (to escape from the pity and sympathy) -
stretch your corners far and out Pull you lips apart, don't pout, and flash your shiny whites.... see, it's that easy to smile....

She had used her shield even before she knew it was her shield (her defense mechanism).... She was supposed to be a Pro when it came to hiding her feelings.....but something (or rather someone) had messed her up real bad. No matter how hard she tried to pull her lips into a smile, the always settled on a straight face if not the pained one.
The first night that she couldn't sleep.... she walked to the dresser unconsciously, She started at how sick she looked, how her face looked nothing like that of the 'most beautiful girl'. She wanted the pain to leave her, she wanted the guilt and embarrassment to leave her. Her thoughts took her back to the days when she sat in front of the same dresser, and stared at her beautiful face, and thanked God for a equally beautiful life. And now here she was.... Were the god's angry with her? ....

That night was two days back, and after 3 days of sleeplessness(only partial dozing of during day time)her mind had completely given up on even expressing the barest of emotions on her face. She'd tried soo hard to smile, She Wanted to smile, Damn it! And she wanted it to be her Biggest Smile Ever!....

The prettier the smile, the uglier the pain....

And back to the present... she didnot waste another night trying to smile. She did not waste another night to reach out for something that wasn't there. She did not try to hold close something, that she could have - only when he slept.

He fought with her 5 times a day.... He annoyed her another 5 times ... He tried to irritate her with a new thing every moment that he was with her.... And yet all she remembered was how every night, since the first that they spent together..... She Had a Claim on Him, and He had a Claim on Her.

Probably he thought that she didn't know, Or probably he didn't care enough to be bothered by her. But he had been her Safe Haven and She had assumed that she was his Anchor.
She'd always heard people compare them with Syk and Earth - Zameen&Aasman, but the only ones to maybe know the complete truth were Shiva and Raavi. For he was a Free Bird, The Thunder Clouds , the Sky..... and she was the Static Tree, the Barren Land, the Earth. True they weren't made for each other, weren't ment to be together.... But could they exist without each other.....

Another 45 breaths...., another 70 seconds without breaking down....
And how long would she go?

She looked across her old room from the place on bed, where she lay (obviously not looking for a distraction). The Huge Pillows and Giant Stuff toys did nothing to fill her arms. Nothing she held between them was enough to bring her the warmth that He could. But he had betrayed her, he'd taken away from her, Her Person. And for that she would never forgive him. Holding onto the Pillows and Stuffed toys within her outstretched arms, she tried to kill the pain in her chest with the weight of them. The ache only intensified when she felt her Mangalsutra press onto her skin.

Taking another deep breath she turned on her front, and set her limbs loose. She made a pathetic, dead attempt at crawling to the upper side of her bed. Her arms outstretched, her legs spread apart and her chest digging painfully into the mattress ,she placed her head on the black fabric.

It had been touched only once, since she had unpacked it.... It was also the only thing that she had unpacked. There wasn't a single crease on it, neither a fold out of place, and yet- she had everyday for the last three days laid her head on the perfectly folded Shirt of his. She should've been given a award by now for her such accomplishment, - of not crying over it, of not holding it close to her heart and pouring her tears over it, for keeping it out of her hands and still everyday only resting her side face on it, for not wearing it..... day and night, as a mourners gown

Why u wonder , she was doing this?

Because it was his only thing, that had been given to him by her? NO.
But because it was the only thing that even after being his, had seldom been touched by him, and not even a faint trace of his living had graced it. Just Like Her.

So she counted her next lot of 45-50 breaths, and held back her tears almost every minute. She didn't dare move, for then there would be creases and folds (on his shirt, and inside her soul). She strengthen her resolve on every moment that passed, for never crying for what she'd lost. She tried not to think of something that she could hold closer, only when asleep....
And yet every second breath she took, she lost her resolve, and let out a shudder insted of a sob..... She lay there lifeless, and hopeless - all loveless. For the one she loved, her lover, probably cried and she'd sworn to never allow his Anything to break her, to never allow Anything of his to make her Cry....

And yet another night would pass, where Raavi would spend a sleepless night, living in a trance, imagining that he was here, and that she'd bring him near...... Her eyes vacant, her lips parted, her hands and legs swollen outstretched and brain numb, her emotions still in Denial, or probably in FarFetched Acceptance......

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I have no Freaking idea how I was gonna end this chapter 🙈
I'd written more that half of it already, nd it'd been sitting in my draft😅, so when I opened it to publish- I couldn't remember the ending I'd thought for this😳 .....

Sooo- I'm sorry If this one feels like it's partially going down the drain🥲...I'll write better next time