It Leads to Your Heart. [NOT EDITED]

5

NEED TO BE HEAVELY EDITED.

12 days, 12 days and I am starting to lose my mind.

Dreaming of the second my foot would step inside my home as I walk out of the hospital's doors feeling more disheartened than I could have imagined. Seeing her today did something to my heart that was totally unexpected and fearful. I guess something in me have awakened and made me realize some facts about myself. It was like a mirror was placed in front of me, forcing to face what I have been ignoring and tugging far at the back of my mind. Finally giving me an answer to maybe why I might feel like I am running in circles and never taking a minute to see for myself what this toxic loop had done to me. How wrecked I actually could be.

I am a coward. Yes. I am a coward and maybe a masochist. I am blind. Hope blinded me. While every single person saw how much I was holding on to a lost hope and maybe stupid for holding onto her while she would have wished that I was rather the one in her place. The one that she cannot get rid of fast enough. And then again she is happy to finally be free and get rid of me, even if she is the one to suffer. My mother, who I have went above and beyond to please, to try and make her see beyond who she believes I am, her biggest mistake.

That I am not the reason why the love of her life abandoned her.

A young girl barely reached nine years old. Watched her mother's life fall apart and wilt into lifelessness. Like any beautiful exquisite flower that wilted, dead. At that time, I was too young to understand what was happening but I understood from her words when she said he left us, left her and abandon her and screamed her lungs out that it was my fault. I remember running from her with tears blinding my sight as sob after the other shock my tiny body. I curled myself in the dark corner of my room and hearing her breaking glass from outside. 

She failed to recognize that he has also abandoned me, his own daughter. And from then on, slowly drinking had become her escape then slowly after drugs took its place. And by time, I realized that not only did my father abandon me but somehow my mother did too.

However, holding on to the only family I still know is like a survival instinct, a coping mechanism that has been imbedded in me. For that I would fight, take on anything because I am a scared. I do not want to face my greatest fear that crawled up onto the nine-year-old girl in me. That nine year old that learned what it was like to be lonely. I don't want to be lonely.

Walking up to the pitch back porch, while searching for the door keys I stumbled on something on the floor right in front of the door step. "Damn it." I could barely see anything. Cutting on electricity in hopes of receiving a much more budget friendly bill had it cons, but priorities demanded that.

In search of my fluffy keychain stuffed into my bad, my boot cladded feet yet again Kick something as I walked and halted when I heard it flying a distance from me. sensing the fur under my fingertips, I snatch it out of my bag and Grab my phone, opening the flashlight. I move it around dreading the idea that I may or may have not kicked a cat or some other pet. This neighborhood is so full of pets; they seem to be obsessed with them or in some sort of competition who would own more of them.

My hands still and my eyes widen as they finally rest on a Melany folder bunched under my door. And for some reason I went numb, my mind froze and so did my body.

Looking around the quiet neighborhood, I realize that it is quite late for anyone to be up at that time. And the quietness gave this moment much more eerie than it should have felt. Hurling the door open, snatching the envelope from the floor and shut the door behind me. resting my back to the door I let the bad slip of my shoulder down to the floor before looking down at the envelop.

My heart thudded. My eyes bulge and my throat fried.

It is sealed.

It bears the Balan wax seal.