Ok so I wrote this for Arintez the other day. Don't take it too seriously, I wrote it in like 20 minutes for fun. Lol, but I thought I'd share it with you guys. :P
For all those delusional girls out there,
Jess could not have been as ecstatic as she was today. Today, of ALL days, she was finally going to meet her boyfriend's parents. Parker was the best she could ever have dreamed of, but his frequent dismissals of meeting his parents really PEEVED her off. No matter, she thought to herself as they climbed out of the cabin of the yellow New York taxi, it'll be done soon enough. Then he'll be trapped FOREVER.
She smirked, delighted from the instant he had rushed into her room and practically jumped up and down to say that they were going to make a visit the next day. Jess turned to him and kissed his cheek, to which he looked devilishly down to her and chuckled, quietly at first, then growing in amplitude and pitch until he was keeled over by the train station.
"What's the matter with you, Parker? You're embarrassing me!" She said her tone very tight as she glanced to and fro the diverse crowd who probably thought her boyfriend was having a seizure.
He got up and wiped tears out of his eyes, and grinned at her. "Sorry, all better now. Today's just gonna be a good day." He paused and wiped his hands together.
"AWWW, what a sweetheart," Jess said, and they boarded the train, arms linked like they were ENGAGED or something.
As they moved their way down the car, Jess spotted a nice little bench in a sunny patch and pulled him nearer to brightly proclaim, "Let's sit here!"
Parker yanked her arm the opposite very harshly. "NO! Uh- I mean- over here."
He said leading her to another seat closer to the conductor next to a Canadian man with a five o clock shadow.
"OW! You could have TORN something. What's your problem?" Jess pouted, plopping down next to the window.
He was not turned her way, but instead examining all the exits and gave a slight nod to the icky Canadian. "Parker! Are you listening to me?" She practically yelled in his ear.
"If we're gonna be married, you better pay more attention to me!" She huffed.
He was still looking to and fro when he muttered, "Yes- married, he he he- HAHAHA!"
She frowned, "What's so funny? And why do you keep looking at that Canadian? No husband of mine will ever be allowed to look at another man that way!"
"Oh no reason, I just can't wait to get there," he said, grinning ear to ear.
They traveled in relative peace for the better half of the trip, about forty-five minutes, when Parker perked up and looked expectantly at his watch. "Yes!" he said under his breath, obviously very excited.
"There's still at least half an hour left to Albany, Parker," she said, accepting the role of a nagging housewife, and she dared to say that she was getting to be a pro at it.
"Oh, yes, I know," he said, with that same look in his eye. He must really love me, she thought contentedly.
Suddenly, he whipped out of his seat, and made himself as big as he could. "Folks! This..." he paused for embellishment, "...is a heist!" He flipped a huge gun from his coat and waved it around, almost dropping it in the process.
"WHAT?!?!" Jess exclaimed. She had to control her man before they were held back by cops.
He turned to her as the Canadian stood up and rushed into the conductor station, the door was partly open and she saw him knock out the engineer with a long cannoli. "Ah, yes, Jess, there you are. I've been waiting for this for a long time."
"What the HELL are you talking about?" She shouted, tears springing up.
"Well, you see, we're not really right for each other, so I think we should see other people. Like for instance, I'm gonna see me a big pile of cash from these people's wallets. You hear that folks?" He shouted, "Empty your wallets and keep your hands where I can see them."
Several other Canadians got up and pulled out different sized salami and pepperoni clubs and collected the bills. "Why are you doing this?" she blubbered through the tears.
"HAHAHAHA!!" He laughed, very loudly, and she covered her ears. How insensitive of him. "Better sit down, there honey."
After several minutes of Parker and his goonies rushing around doing God knows what, finally Parker stood in front again and he announced, "It's been great folks. You all have been great victims. Especially you, Jess. Such a good sport. That's why I've assigned you a very special death."
"Huh? You're going to KILL me?" she asked incredulously, He wouldn’t DARE.
He looked surprised, "Why yes of course. But not just you; don't get silly ideas in your head. All of you will be killed."
If that was his way of making her calm down, he really sucked at it. Maybe she didn't want him back anymore. He pointed out the windows, "See your doom, people, and COWER IN FEAR." There was a huge crate of C4 explosives on the tracks in front of them, along with dynamite sticks and surprisingly, My Little Pony dolls all around them. He paused to cackle again, some of his cronies joined him. He grabbed my arm, "Come with me."
He led her out to outside of the head car. "What are we doing out here?" she asked nervously, she had to shout to be heard over the rushing wind.
"Jess, you've been a wonderful girlfriend, so supportive, so genuine, and so annoying. I know I'll never find anyone as good as you."
I knew it! He IS going to take me back! She thought elatedly, completely forgetting about the fact that she was about to murder all those innocent people. But what are a few casualties as long as she was reunited with the love of her life? Their families would understand.
He held her hand with his right and in his left was a big spool of thick rope. "That's why I racked my brain for the best way to do this. I couldn't let you die in there with all those other people! It would have been inconceivable!"
She was REALLY confused now. Was he complimenting her? She said thanks just in case. He seemed to appreciate it as he tied her hands and feet to the front of the car.
Finally he finished his task as she stood there thinking about their wedding. Pink Daffodils, pink and purple trim and lilac invitations, with a Barney impersonator to sing Total Eclipse of The Heart at their reception would do the trick. It would be perfect. He began to leave, "Well goodbye, my dear."
She was startled, "Where are you going?"
He laughed, "I can't stay here silly goose. I'd be killed! Me and my friends are dropping out onto those bubble wrap mattresses over there," he said, gesturing to seven huge things that looked like Bouncy Castles.
She finally got it; he was going to just leave her here like some girlfriend of three months instead of five! How despicable. "Why?!"
He stepped in closer, "You didn't know I was Canadian did you?" He said, and departed, cackling all the while until all she could hear was the whir of the motor behind her. She could smell the explosives now. Parker and his buddies flew off the side, waving to her as they did so, giggling as they landed onto the soft surface. She should have been with them. She didn't care that he was abandoning a normal life. What was it? That she wasn't 'cool' enough to be on the run. Well, she'd show him.
The last thought she had before her body connected with the mound of fireworks was, I really know how to pick them. Incidentally what killed her was not the explosives, instead a purple My Little Pony pierced her eye and wedged all the way through to her brain. The name on the bottom of her killer was Vanessa.
