I wish I didn't care like how people think I don't,
but I do.
I look away and force nonchalance as if none of it affected me,
yet it did.
and it hurt.
I woke up at noon today and rushed downstairs to get some food ready before my dad and sister got home. I got the meal prepared in time. When dad came home and saw the food, he picked up the plate of fish and asked whether I fried the inside too. I told him I didn't open up the fish because it was frozen.
And then the yelling began.
I made another mistake.
I don't know why he always yells all the time; he yells about anything and everything. My sister and I just learned to ignore it. I know we shouldn't but we don't know what else to do.
I took the pan that I cooked the fish with and filled it with water. I threw the oily water away and then poured oil on it again to start re-frying the fish. He saw this and then got mad again because he said I had to wash the pan and THEN pour the oil. So I did, I fried the fish and pretended I didn't care about what else he was saying.
I placed the fish on the table and saw that he was already finished with his lunch. (I served sausages and ham too) I thought he was going to eat the fish because I know how much he likes those - but no, he stood up, went upstairs and was out the door to go back to work 5 minutes later.
He didn't even say goodbye.
It's my parents' anniversary today and I think I may have just pissed the other half off.
I thought about mending my mistakes and guess what I thought of first. Right: getting rid of myself. How will I do that? Right again: Commit suicide. I don't know if these thoughts are normal but think about it, when I'm gone, things will be better for them.
I've made a list of how their lives will be much better off without me in it:
1. No one will have to fry fish wrong anymore.
2. No one will leave the switches on in the kitchen.
3. No one will tell my dad to make sudden changes at the last minute anymore.
4. No one will ever ignore his orders.
5. No one will leave the last bit of water in dozens of water bottles anymore.
6. My dad will never have to feel ignored.
7. No one will leave dirty dishes in the sink overnight.
8. No one will be lazy to do laundry.
9. No one will talk back to him anymore.
10. No more wasting food.
11. No one will drain the wifi's credit like a madman ever again.
12. No one will disobey him anymore.
13. No one will have to ask him to buy mobile credit at inconvenient times.
14. He won't have to spend so much on useless girl things anymore.
15. He won't have to spend money on books for me.
16. My parents won't have to spend hundreds and thousands of dollars on my university tuition fees and accommodation.
17. They won't have to pay for incredibly expensive college textbooks.
18. No one will have to make my mom feel like she's speaking to nobody.
19. They can earn more money by selling my things.
20. They can pay for my little sister's college fees with the money they will earn from the things I own.
21. No one will not listen to their suggestions anymore.
22. They will have one less person to worry about.
23. They won't have to pay for piano lessons anymore.
24. They won't have to worry about getting me a driver's license or a car.
25. They will have an extra room for guests in the new house.
26. They can sell all my books and earn at least a thousand bucks on them.
27. My parents won't have to go through all sorts of trouble just to get my documents ready for school-related things.
28. They will have one less person to pay for when flying to places.
29. One less person to worry about spending tons of money on clothes.
30. One less person to bring to the hospital in case of emergencies.
31. One less person to want to yell at.
32. One less person to force to do things.
33. One less person to waste their money on.
34. One less person to buy a new bed for.
35. One less person to pray for.
36. One less person to see in the house.
37. Less noise pollution in our home.
38. A much peaceful environment.
39. Less stress for my parents.
40. And no more useless, mindless questions thrown at them.
