I remember vividly the very first time I purged.
I was 14 years old and it was my last month being an 8th grader.
My little sister was staying over a close family friend's place for about a week because she got the chicken pox. My mum is on-duty at work and my dad is at work every single day and there was no one to take care of my little sister at home. Also, they were trying to prevent me from getting it too so they separated us. But all that made no difference because I got it too a week later. And it sucked.
I first began noticing it at school. They started off looking like pimples and I was never the type of person to get multiple large pimples at the same time, so I got teased. A lot. I got picked on and made fun of and it sucked because at that point in life, I was growing more and more sensitive about little things. Young adult hormones, I suppose?
I knew it wasn't just pimples because they were itchy. I got back home that day and my dad immediately knew I had chicken pox. We went to the clinic and we got a doctor's note so that I can't spread my disease while I heal. They gave us a bottle of pink solution, which I now know is called Calamine lotion and it was my best friend for the entire week that I stayed home.
I watched TV, read fanfictions and did absolutely nothing productive. And I despised every single minute of it. I hated being alone. I hated being alone with my mind.. because I think. I think a lot about anything and everything and I somehow always manage to make myself feel depressed.
I never thought I'd see the day where I would say that human interaction keeps my thoughts sane.
A news headline on TV about a famous Disney child star being bulimic piqued my interest one day. I didn't know what bulimia was nor have I ever thought about it. I was alone at home watching this and the first thing I did was Google the disorder. Never would I ever think that such a famous, beautiful, talented girl think about herself that way. What would have driven her to destroy her body like that. Her characters in TV shows and movies masked the way she felt perfectly. So perfect that nobody even saw it coming.
I thought it was clever.
And that's when I discovered purging.
I became depressed over the fact that I was under house arrest (not literally, but I wasn't allowed to go out at all) because of my chicken pox. We had a field trip that next week that I have been looking forward to for a while and that I might not even be able to go to because of the pox. It angered me and it made me even more depressed because I couldn't do anything but wait.
My self hatred grew more and more as I looked at myself in the mirror. The flabby skin of my belly, the roundness of my face, the glasses, the buck teeth, the short height, the dark skin, the pox - I hated it all. I hated myself. I knew I was ugly, and some days I didn't care. But being alone with my thoughts were the days I cared the most. The years of insecurities piled up, one on top of another and it became a mountain. A mountain much much higher that I am. I wrote down a long list of things I hated about myself, a list of how I could be better, prettier, kinder, gentler, smarter. Anything and everything that I would change about myself if I could.
I ended up going to the field trip that next week because my dad said it was okay.
I remember I had a faint line of scab from when I tried to cut my left wrist with a razor blade the week before because I was so angry at myself for being imperfect. I wore a jacket to the field trip to hide it because I didn't want anyone to see. I also bought a bracelet during that trip and wore it around my left wrist to cover it up just in case.
While we were at the mall, my friends and I grabbed some food at the food court and as we were eating.. the thought of me getting fatter crossed my mind. Things on my list flooded my head and I started panicking internally. Then I thought about the purging technique. And for some odd reason, it gave a great sense of relief and peace.. and that's what I held onto for the rest of my meal.
I excused myself after we were done and made my way to the toilet. I had one purpose in mind and it wasn't to relieve my bladder. I needed to purge.
The only thing I could think of was to get rid of the food that I just consumed because I was terrified of gaining more weight. I rushed into a stall and tried to force myself to vomit. Choking myself didn't work so, I exited the stall, washed my hands and tried again. This time, I shoved two fingers down my throat and that did the trick. It worked like magic. Before you know it, I was purging everything I ate that day and when I was done, I felt my nerves calm down from their high.
I felt hollow and empty. I was content.
And that was the beginning of the peak of my insecurities.
