If She Had Known

Leaving

I lay in bed that night, thinking about all that was about to come crashing down upon me. Rhys had seemed fine and whole, but he was always good at hiding his pain. It had felt like a weight had been lifted from me, like I had finally surfaced from the water and could breathe again. I had gotten to see him in the flesh— had gotten to kiss him. I bit down on my smile at the thought... that Rhys would conjure that small change that allowed me so much more than anyone looking in could see.

But a new weight now pressed on me. Clare and her family were surely set to die. The Suriel had told me nothing I could do would rewrite time.

I did my best not to think of going back Under the Mountain. There was no foreseeable way to avoid it and the trials that followed.

I had almost forgotten all about what was to happen next from being so caught up in my worries, but remembered with a start when the door creaked.

I jerked upright as Tamlin entered my room. He shut the door behind him and didn't stop his slow and heavy steps until he was seated on the edge of my mattress.

"I'm sorry," he said. His voice was hoarse and empty.

"It's fine," I breathed, my hands clutching my sheets. I could still feel Rhys' touch on my lips and the phantom claws of his power caressing my mind. he didn't know that the interaction with Rhys had brought me such joy. He was afraid I would break from it.

"It's not fine," he growled, and grabbed one of my hands, wrenching my fingers from the sheets. "It's..." he hung his head, sighing deeply as his hand tightened on mine. "Feyre... I wish..." He shook his head and cleared his throat. "I'm sending you home, Feyre."

The force with which he grabbed my hand, holding it with an iron grip brought forth a fear in me I hadn't previously known. Never before had I been scared he might force himself upon me. But that was before I had been so drunk that I couldn't remember how I had gotten onto my back in the grass, Tamlin happy to take more than what had been offered. A stone dropped in my gut, and I soon felt like I would vomit rather than find any safety in his closeness.

I had debated many times the issue of sleeping with Tamlin before leaving. I wasn't sure whether or not it was all that important. Even so, if it was, Tamlin might end up taking me anyway— if that was what the timeline demanded. Was that what had caused the difference during the solstice? I didn't believe Tamlin was the kind of male to do such a thing, even when I had nothing but contempt for him. It was a risk I was going to have to take.

I had decided.

I had worried and obsessed over our story. The story of us. Of me. Of Tamlin. But it wasn't the two of us who I should have contemplated. This was the story of me and Rhysand. from the beginning it was always Rhys. It always was and always will be. And Tamlin's cock didn't need to have any part in that.

Tamlin might be in love with a false version of me, but he knew me well enough to know I would fight this. At least at first. "What about the terms of the Treaty—" I started.

"I have taken on your life debt. Should someone come inquiring after the broken laws, I'll take responsibility for Andras's death."

"But you once said there was no other loophole. The Suriel said there was no—"

A snarl. "If they have a problem with it, they can tell me."

I was silent for a moment, not sure how far to let this go. "Did I do something wrong—"

He lifted my hand to press it to his lower cheek. "You did nothing wrong." He turned his face to kiss my palm. "You were perfect," he murmured onto my skin, then lowered my hand.