If She Had Known

The Head

Somehow, I managed to leave my own body. I felt like I was watching myself through some dream. I would have sunk through the floor and never emerged from my bed if I could. There was a hole in my chest I couldn't feel. I would wrap my arms around myself while soundless tears streamed down my face. If Alis noticed my red and puffy eyes, she never said anything.

I was a good actress— I proved that when I came back to the spring court when Tamlin made a deal with the King of Hybern. It was all I could do to plaster the easy smile to my face and act like I was slowly but surely falling in love with the High Lord.

A little piece of my sanity chipped away every time Tamlin would smile at me, and I would send one back.

It felt like treason to sit there beneath the willow tree and exchange a kiss for lifting the glamour on me. My heart recoiled even as I leaned forward and kept the easy contentment on my face.

I had to be able to do something different. Something that would allow me a small bit of peace. But still, I carried on, biding my time.

Until I found a head in the garden.

A bleeding male High Fae head— spiked atop a fountain statue of a great heron flapping its wings. It was still enough of a surprise that I dropped my paints and brushes on the pavement.

I slowly started backing away, not sure what to do. My heart was pounding as I couldn't tear my gaze from the still-screaming head. I backed right into Tamlin, and whirled, still in shock.

"It's me," he said, taking me by the arms. I tried to find comfort in it— in his presence— as I once had. But there was nothing but the relentless pounding of my heart. I could hear it in my ears, feel it in my head. My breathing quickened.

The panic stopped when I heard Tamlin growl, "Night Court." In answer to Lucien's question.

It was the first time I had heard the name of my home in months. It hit me like a blow.

But I still had a part to play. "Why would they do this?" I breathed.

Tamlin let go of me, coming to stand at my side as Lucien climbed the statue to retrieve the head. Had Rhys himself done this? I couldn't wrap my mind around it. He would do anything to protect his home, for his family, but he was not the only native of the Night currently under the mountain. None of this made sense anymore. If Rhys had been here, why hadn't he come to my window?

The image of Rhys, hands covered in the blood of a dismembered head, calling up to my second story window answered that question. I wanted to see him more than I wanted air to breathe, but he would not want me to have to see him like that.

"The Night Court does what it wants," Tamlin said. "They live by their own codes, their own corrupt morals."

"They're all sadistic killers," Lucien said. If he hadn't been my friend— and unaware of the true nature of the Night Court— I would have stabbed him for the comment. "They delight in torture of every kind," He went on. "And would find this sort of stunt to be amusing."

The Hewn City, the court of nightmares might. But not the High Lord. Not me.

"Amusing, but not a message?" I managed to say through the red haze.

"Oh, it's a message, Lucien said as he yanked the head off. I did not cringe or look away this time. I was stronger than that now. "To get in and out of our defenses, to possibly commit the crime nearby, with the blood this fresh..." He splashed into the water below. "It's exactly what the High Lord of the Night Court would find amusing. The bastard."

I tried to remember that Lucien — and everyone else — had every right to believe that. The mask of the cruel High Lord was screwed on tight.

My hands still shook as I bent down for the brushes and paint. Tamlin knelt next to me, his hands closed around mine.

"You're still safe," he said.

I nodded, but I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye. He wouldn't find what he would be expecting in mine.

"It's court posturing," he said. "The Night Court is deadly, but this was only their Lord's idea of a joke. Attacking anyone here— attacking you— would cause more trouble than it's worth for him. If the blight truly does harm these lands, and the Night Court enters our borders, we'll be ready."

But they wouldn't.

*

Tamlin was called away soon after that. I couldn't really bring myself to carry on my act in his absence. I spent a long time in the bath, submerging myself in the hot water, hoping that when I emerged I would be home. But soon my lungs were burning and when I came up for air, I was still suffocating.

Alis changed my into a flowing blue dress and wove a garland of pink, white, and blue wildflowers around the crown of my head. I realized with a start what today was. The summer solstice.

I took a deep breath to prepare myself for what tonight would bring. I would go down those stairs and be nothing but a human pretending to be Fae, falling in love with the High Lord.

At least I would get to drink.

And I did. Nothing Lucien said could get me to stop. I drank all the wine I could get my hands on, until I felt light and airy. I finally forgot about my hollow chest and felt light in a not-unpleasant way. And I danced. I danced until my feet hurt, and then danced some more. I let go. I stopped being so worried about time and important moments and acting. I just danced.

Soon the sun was rising, and I was sitting in the grass with Tamlin, unsure of how I got there. I was still swaying. Everything was fuzzy, and my head was pounding. Tamlin was there, closer than he had ever been. He had obviously had a great time, his hair disheveled from the dancing, and his sleeves rolled up.

Everything went out of focus again, and when I was brought back into my body, Tamlin was upon me. I wasn't sure if I had prompted anything, as I had done before. I wasn't really sure how I had made it onto my back in the grass, with Tamlin's lips and tongue exploring mine, a hand up my skirt making a steady trail up my thighs to the apex.

I pushed him off my body, quickly getting to my feet. I rearranged my skirts, sobering up quickly. "What are you doing?" I questioned.

"Kissing you." Tamlin said, confused.

I didn't respond. I was shaking, looking for something to say.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked. He got up and took a step closer to me. I stepped back, keeping our distance.

"No," I said quickly. "I just—" tears sprung up behind my closed eyes. "I'm drunk. I think. My head hurts."

"Let me take you home." Tamlin said gently. He got close enough to me to take me by the arm, and guide me to the house. I let him, but it did not feel safe in the least. What should have been a happy and wholesome moment was ruined. I couldn't decide if it was my fault or his.