If She Had Known

The Suriel

It was dark. It shouldn't be this dark. Not here. I stared at the ceiling, hoping to catch some fleeting glimpse of the stars. I would be okay. If I could just see the stars. But they would not shine. Not here. Not now.

"You can't get enough, can you?" said the body from above me, her red hair dangling in my face.

My body once again betrayed me. It killed me to do this, but it was the only way to protect them. I tried not to think of her during these times. It only made it hurt worse, made me retreat deeper within myself. But she was all I could ever think of.

I refused to look at her. That made it worse. She solved this with a hand on my chin, forcing my eyes to look into hers.

"Look at me." She said, like my pain brought her joy. "Look at me while I fuck you, Rhysand."

Her hand remained. I didn't fight her.

I threw myself awake, forcing the images from my mind. Rhysand had told me he had seen my dreams before we mated. I had seen a couple of his. But there was no doubting what this one was. The sobs raked through my chest with a force not often seen. I grasped my sheets just for something to hold onto. I hated this. I wanted to go home. I didn't want to go through a war again.

I sent all my love through whatever remained of the bond. There was no way to know if he'd get it. But he got my dreams.

Tamlin burst through the room, finding me clutching at my blankets, flush with tears. "What's wrong?" he asked.

I couldn't do this. Not now. "Bad dream," I said quickly, wiping my tears.

Tamlin stepped further into the room. He wasn't wearing a shirt. There was nothing but sympathy and understanding on his face. He was willing to comfort me. But it was not his comfort that I craved.

"Just get out," I whimpered. "Please."

***

Those next few weeks felt like swimming through mud. The sense of deja vu followed me like a shadow. I tried to keep my experience and conversation the same as I remembered, excluding the small choices I made. I wore the frilly dresses I knew Tamlin preferred, bit my tongue when questioning rose to the surface. When the Puca showed itself outside my window, once again taking the form of my father, I didn't bother chasing after it. I averted my gaze to the book in my lap, but when I looked again, there stood Rhys. He was staring up at my window, wings out, beckoning to me.

The book fell out of my hands. I wanted more than anything to run to him, throw myself in his arms, even for just a moment. I knew it wasn't him, but still I had to force myself to remain in my room. Then the image of my mate flickered into another form. I saw Azriel and Cassian, all seven siphons out. I saw Amren, eyes glowing like I hadn't seen in years. Finally there stood Mor in her fighting leathers. The sight of my friends hurt more than I was willing to admit.

It took several days to stop lingering on the images of my family just outside the borders of the Spring Court manor, waiting for me. Ready to fight for me.

I spent most of my time in the study which I had persuaded Tamlin into showing me. I read any book I could reach, pretending to struggle when anyone wandered by. I was careful. But I was also drained. I felt empty, like there was something in my chest that had been ripped out.

I knew the feeling. Had felt it in all its agony when Rhys had sacrificed himself while repairing the cauldron. The bond was not gone. I searched deep within myself every morning for it, when I woke to find it missing. I held onto it like a life-source.

My rides with Lucien were pleasant enough. I was glad for the distraction. It was fun to poke at him at any opportunity. After a while, he stopped being so bitter about it, and laughing too. I had my friend back.