Very Original Stories

Yooo I'm mentally ill 🍰💧🍄

   Mauerbauertraurigkeit. Sounds like a German city, but it's actually a name for urge to push people away, even close friends. And it perfectly describes how I feel from time to time. Like I can trust nobody and I don't need anybody. I love my friends but sometimes everything becomes too much for me to handle. I can see myself pushing them away, not able to control it. I feel bad for doing so, but when I try to hide it- I can't. Then it's just worse.
   Sitting in my living room. With my friends: Tubbo, Tommy and Ranboo. Some show playing on TV, but I don't care about it. I'm scrolling through Instagram. They're talking about the show we're watching.
"What do you think?" Ranboo looks at me.
"What?" I say quietly still looking at my phone.
"About the main character." I break my eye contact with art posted by some artist and look at the TV.
"I don't know." I go back to what I was doing earlier. I feel bad. I feel like I'm isolating myself away from them. I can't help it. I feel like they don't even like me. Like they would have so much more fun without me here. And this is my house. How ironic.
"Hey, everything ok? You've been extremely quiet since we arrived." Tommy asked after pausing the show. Oh god, please no. I'm not capable of talking about my feelings. Even if I wanted to I fucking can't.
   Since I was a child, I couldn't be sad. It was always "Don't cry", "Fix your attitude". I was supposed to be always happy. And so I was. Middle school was the worst time in my life, but most of it I walked around with a smile. After being told that I can't feel human feelings for six years I began to act like it. Smiling when I'm sad and laughing through pain.
   The saddest part is that I didn't have anyone I could depend on. For my parents everything was my fault. Everyone is against me and they're basically bullying me for smallest things possible? My fault OR my favorite "you're overreacting". My only friend had so many chores I almost didn't see her. I was completely alone. A little kid, without a friend, left in this fucked world.
   Seventh grade. New school, new life? Something like that. This school met the always laughing, always smiling me. Me I never was. Me I am ashamed of. Me I never want to be again. And so I finally snaped, when it all was too much. "She has depression", "What, boyfriend broke up with you?", "Oh so that's why you are depressed!". I am glad they didn't go without noticing anything. But it didn't help anyway. I like attention, but when I get this kind of attention I feel bad. I hate it. I hate when people feel pity for me. I'm disgusted of myself then.
   I remember like it was yesterday, when I was thinking about it all. "Do I want people to see me as depressed girl, or the sunshine that's everywhere and always laughing?". I thought that if I act like I'm happy–I'll really be. And it did work for some time. I faked it so well that even I believed it. And so lived I believing that I'm always happy. Hiding my feelings deep down inside of me not knowing that someday, there won't be enough room for them and that they'll show again.
   And so here I am. Person unable to express emotions like humans. Person who needs help, but can't ask for it. Person with trust issues, but won't ever admit to it. And here I am. Surrounded by lovely friends, who really care about me. But what will it change? I will treat them like they don't deserve, because I have problems I can't solve.
"Yes." I am fine as fuck. Everything is fucking ok. And I will definitely tell you when it isn't.
They don't say a word and go back to the movie. Or show, or whatever. I can feel sadness filling up my body. I feel bad. I'm being a burden. I'm fucking everyones time. What if they won't hang out with me anymore? They'll realize that I'm pain in the ass, no fun. They'll leave. I'll be alone. Once again. Nothing new.
   I get up and find my way to the bathroom. I sit on the floor and, not being able to keep it in anymore, I burst out in tears. I try to be as quiet as possible. The worst thing that can happen now is that someone finds me here...crying. It's just too much. I feel a little bit excluded for a second and I'm gone. I close completely. If that happened in public I most likely wouldn't react like that, but my house (especially my room) is a place where I don't have to act. The only place that is comfortable enough for me to show my emotions.
I try to calm myself down and dry my checks.
"I need to get my shit together. Maybe someone gets worried and finds me here?" I say to myself in my head. "Ridiculous. They won't be worried about you. They don't give a fuck about you."
I start to cry even more because of myself. I keep boosting my worst emotions. It's my bad habit. Still feeling my body shaking I put my head on the bathtub and look at the ceiling. I hear knocking on the door. I quickly brush off the tears of my face.
"One moment." I try to sound the calmest I can, so no one can tell I was crying.
"Actually... I came here to cry too." I hear Ranboo on the other side of the door. 'Too' so he knows. Agh, and everything went to shit.
"Come in." I say quickly hiding my face in my knees. I hear door opening and closing. With the corner of my eye I see him sitting close to me and seconds later sound of glass on the floor. I lift my head and see a bowl with ice cream.
"Your favorite. I heard crying with ice cream in your hand is better that crying without ice cream in your hand." He says quietly not making eye contact with me. I smile while my eyes are filled with tears again. I take bowl from floor and eat it when tears are going down my cheeks. Ranboo doesn't say a word. He doesn't move, he's just there. And that's all I could ask for. It's better than anything other.
   I tend to feel excluded only when I meet with all three of them. When I meet with one of my friends it's super nice. It's the best time. But when number of people gets above one my ill head can make scenarios where I'm alone and the two are having so much fun without me. I'd LOVE to spend good time with my friends, but I just can't. It's too much. I'm too sick for that.
"Thanks Ranboo. I needed that." I say after a while. "And I'm not talking only about ice cream."