Under the White Light

Chapter 2 : I'm the Most Powerful Scream

You're a beautiful sight

"No."

There were some filthy words, some glares and some angry gnashing of teeth on Sarawat's end, and quite a distance to go before they could reach an agreement.

"I don't need pity. I don't need help. I am self-sufficient ... enough."

Tine did his utmost to convince him, and Sarawat did growl and snap against all the entreaties and persuasions until he realised it was for his mindlessness that Tine chided him, not out of pity.

Tine tried self-pity once. It was the most detestable feeling one can have.

Sarawat had already been dealing with a lot of ego blows. His pride was constantly taking hits from having to rely on his mother's pre-made meals that Phukong would bring over every week. The man criticises snobbery and ignorance and people in general, but it seems his criticism is merely a means to salve his bruised ego at being excluded from their world. Tine finds that they are both self-imposedly detached from humanity. Though Sarawat through pride and Tine through bitterness.

Tine takes his duty as an aide seriously.

He ignores the way Sarawat's expression contorts with scornful pride, though for a man who refuses to be treated with excessive assistance Sarawat seems to have taken quite a fancy to him. He is quicker to accept him than Tine had initially thought, and he relents under Tine's coddle, but not without an occasional indignant grumble.

Tine is slow to realise how much it means to care for someone in his life, and once he does, it pains him. It pains him that he might be envisioning Sarawat as a bleak alternative to a family.

Why should he offer assistance when Sarawat can open his stubborn mouth and speak and ask for help? Why should he aid him when he has something Tine does not and never will?

Tine would forfeit his vision if only he could have his voice back. The injustice gobbles him up, feasts at his heart and mind.

Why does Sarawat have his voice when Tine cannot? Why do those who should entirely and altogether be banned from speaking have a voice, why do those who do not need it at all have it, and Tine cannot? Why must he feel like this burden weigh down on his entire life, on his entire future? He wanted to be a lawyer. But have you ever heard of a mute lawyer? He feels like a burden to the world ...

... only he doesn't.

Not anymore.

For the first time in ages, Tine doesn't feel like a burden.

When he first stepped up to Sarawat at the park it was out of annoyance, when he communicated with him it was out of mild curiosity, when he stayed it was out of anger. Until it dawned on him that Sarawat needs assistance, needs a guiding hand no matter how self-reliant he thinks he is.

For the first time in ages, Tine feels like a guiding light, like he's alive with a purpose, like he can be of use to someone.

Tine can exist on his own, but Sarawat relies on others. His impairment doesn't seems recent — he's settled into its disadvantages, yet ready to part from the comfort of assistance, even when he refuses it.

"The real definition of power is to me the control over one's own life. A balanced life." Sarawat tells him once, between nursing the tea Tine has brought over while coming to help him shave.

'Letting other people in is not throwing the balance off.' Tine writes across skin that's been heated by the steaming mug.

"It's not. That's why I let you in."