scripturient

dear future self,

FEBRUARY 2022

Dear Daisy,

Hi! This is your younger self - and quite frankly, we're a hot mess right now. 

I'm exhausted. Too busy staring at the depths of the ocean to save myself from drowning. The growing piles of work seem to mock me whenever I pick up the pen. At the bottom, I float amongst the debris. I see other people who are just as lost, but they always hang an inch out of reach. I talk to them sometimes, to simulate the feeling of being afloat again. I'll never get to hug them or feel their touch, but I've learned that emotional bonds have the potential to fill a void that primal physical contact skips right over. It's bittersweet to meet people here at rock bottom, because some of the kindest souls were mercilessly pushed down into this state of oblivion.

Recognizing this, I do everything I can to help. Even then, they're always preoccupied with a life that is more important than mine. So I give advice, keep them company for as long as they need, and then I watch them leave. They're always so relieved to finally flow with the current, while I stay stagnant, stuck as ever. All I can do is let them go one by one and hope they'll remember me somewhat. I feel more abandoned by the day, but I can't let anyone know.

I hope you've learned to establish boundaries and take time for yourself, because hardly anyone seems to realize how much they've unintentionally taken from you.

There's an entire ocean out there, but I'm still too young to scope it out. I envy the free and sympathize with the hurt. So I hope you've found the courage to swim out and away. The toxic tide pool we're stuck inside of should not be a permanent resting place.

I hope the sun smiles on your silhouette when you walk outside. Maybe you've even found someone sincere enough to accompany you, and carry you when your stamina dwindles. As of now, I travel alone. The boy we used to admire has forgotten about us, after we played as pawns to his losing match. We're old news to most people, a laughing stock, a joke. I can't wait to get out of this town and move on from this. When it's our turn to drift away, I hope you'll tell me all about it.

Another thing to note is that I'm more in love with the idea of the second one than I am with himself. It's good that I'm self-aware, but it's also really hard to let go. I know I should for my own good, but if he reaches out, I'll find myself responding. It isn't much, but it'll have to hold me over for now. I really hope you'll meet someone who is worthy of your love, after you've already learned to put yourself first.

As I revise this from a couple months prior, I would like to add that we're currently getting through another tough time. You knew the foundation was unstable and even predicted the course of the collapse, but stayed for the sake of the other person. You sacrificed your health for his happiness. You traded your emptiness for his closure. He'll never know how badly this hurt you because you always put him first. Now, you're struggling with the consequences. You feel conflicted. Both of you were well-intentioned, but even the most positive of pleasures lead to inevitable pitfalls of pain. You've learned important lessons from this and have reflected (a lot) lately. Don't feel bad for being realistic, if anything it helped cushion the blow. Next time, remember not to search for validation from others before you're able to give it to yourself.

You should still listen to Mitski because she's an amazing artist, but I hope that one day, you won't relate to as many of her songs about hopelessness.

You should still keep in touch with those you were lucky to meet, but I hope that one day, you'll find friendships just as valuable that lie away from a screen.

You should still write to your heart's content, but I hope that your own character development continues progressing for the better.

You should still study and work hard, but I hope that one day, you'll regain the passion for a life beyond the books.

When I try helping people, I can say as much as I want, but it's ultimately up to them to apply it. You're different though. Your wellbeing into the future depends on the way I decide to establish our roots right now. I don't have much faith in my current self, but you know what? I can't let another person down. I'll keep persisting through this pain for you.

Let's keep pushing. Instead of self-sabotaging, I'd love it if you could write me back ten years from now. There is a future, and I'm going to survive long enough for you to live through it.

Whenever they insult me, ridicule, or invalidate, I'll think about you. What you'll be like years down the line when you land your first full-time job. The look of achievement on your face when you get your first promotion. How strong you'll become after living through an adolescence of abandonment. How you'll lift others up unknowingly, and how your sole impact will shift the tides for others in your previous position. You are worth it to me, Daisy.

I have faith in you; I have faith in us. And because I do, that's how you'll be able to revisit this note and write a response back.

Love,

Yourself.

- - -

what would you say to your future self? let yourself know in the comments, if you'd like :)