102

selfish

TW// suicide and self harm mentioned

that space in the far corner of my vision picks up the blurred sight of running nurses. into the hall they rush and the patients, they follow. reluctant to leave my pages unattended, the thoughts of my emotions that are scratched onto that paper being read by anyone other than you scares me, i follow. into the now packed halls i see a gathering by a door, moving closer the sight of a familiar art stuck to walls enter my vision. i now know the occupant of the room and the shoes i see hovering above the ground confirm my dreaded thoughts and i break. pushing past and through the myriad of faces and the many disorders those faces are labelled with and i run into the room and fall to my knees but quickly get up and hold the body i had come to adore. the rope was cute and E and i fell to floor together, just holding the near lifeless body i feel the tiny breaths hit my neck and the tears pour harder and faster but within seconds E was pulled from me and placed onto a gurney and wheeled away from me. unsure of why i can only cry. the masses leave the hallway and i just stay. staying put, sitting still, stationary. E was taken from me and it felt just like the moment i found out that you had been fucking another, my heart, like then, was shattered. the hours and sleepiness kicked in and the skys turned black and my eyes shut. feeling unsafe, scared and sad with E's wall around me i sleep.
the sunlight that creeped through the window is shaded and blocked by the trees from the better view E has on this side of the building. the door opened and the blue hair i loved entered the room. i stood. E moved closer and held me. the arms around me got tighter and the chin was now resting on my shoulder. tears escape both of our faces yet we stay in silence, the noise from the halls is blurred and creates a certain serenity. "I'm sorry" breaks the silence and the voice of E comforts me. however i can't help but get mad. i pull away and step back. i stare this boy in the face and i see that he deeply regrets the actions of the night before but still i shout. "how the fuck could you do this to me?" E's mouth opens "no. don't speak" i continue "i am fully aware that the world sucks and being here is a constant reminder of that but you walked through those doors all by yourself and i know that you can be strong enough to beat whatever the fuck is wrong with you. we bleed and we cry but i cannot be alone again. before your pretty fucking dumb ass face walked through those doors i knew nobody, not one name but you changed that" my voice gets louder and my eyes fill again, my voice cracked with every sentence but i push past and still spew words "alive is a feeling i never expected to experience here but that one morning we spent in my room without you speaking a word was the most alive I've felt in months and without you all that follows for me is more time alone and more pain." i breathe. E moves to the bed and sits. "selfish" he responded. no emotion but i knew he was hurt by my words.
"yeah. I'm being fucking selfish. but i need you and you don't even know. but you know what, i could be good for you, i can help you if you just give me a chance instead of hanging yourself by a light shade."
E is no standing and pacing towards me. i need him to talk. he slaps me across the face and the pain stings and brings that alive feeling back to the surface.
"elijah. my name is elijah. but you can't help me. you don't know me. there is nothing you can do to save me and i walked through those doors so my mother wouldn't worry. if i die here at least she'll think i tried to get better. thank you though. for believing in me and thinking you can help but you were wrong and i guess you were a friend but forget about me because i am not the girl you write about" the calm in his voice forced me out of the room and back to my desk where i rip up every last poem i wrote about you and tried to forget E.