102

visiting hour

TW // self harm and suicide mentioned also descriptive scenes inc blood.

E runs to me and hugs me so tight, but, after a few seconds, lets go and looks around as if to show embarrassment or regret. "what's wrong" i say as E slowly walks away.
"you hate me" i hear the voice say under the cold breath. i watch as E walks through the door and sit in the cool sunlight on the warm roof of the building I'd began to call home. the day passed like any other with time passing slowly and little movement within the walls but the sound of the outside walls creeping in through the cracks of the window. i hear a man, seeming drunk shout to a woman or down a phone or to himself, i am unsure, confess his love for her short physique and long hair and your image is on my mind once more. like me he receives no response to his emotional declaration but unlike me he seems to continue with his life rather than wallowing in self pity as i do so well. visiting time is here as everyone but me and E leave the main hall. me on my desk and E on the other. alone. quickly though a nurse walks into the now near empty living space she speaks "you two as well, hurry". i have a visitor. the only one who knows I'm here is my mother but she hasn't bothered to show her face to me since i was put in here. she refused to accept me for me and called me by my birth name and i resented that but at least she cares enough to at least be here to give me some news as that's the only reason she'd see me. maybe my brother had gone into another epileptic fit this time on a tram line to a devastating result.
i enter the room and the noise consumes me, the chatter of families conversing and lovers reuniting. i can't take it, i can feel the acid brew in my stomach and my mind takes up a thousand fast running thoughts. my body begins to shake as the nurse directs me to my seat. my vision blurs and bumping into many seats the nurse tells me to sit. the chair is cold against my sweaty palms and a familiar sound of "hey" in an accent that hadn't cursed my ears focused my eyes and thoughts almost instantly. you say across from me with a small smile and wide eyes like a high budget anime. looking as cute as always you just sit. you let the light bounce off your darker brown hair and let your eyes shine the brightest I'd ever seen. you just sat and looked at me, at what I'd become, at what you made me. seconds that felt like minutes passed and you speak once more "Uh, your mom said you were here, she said i shouldn't see you". i don't speak a word, your beauty takes me aback and i am speechless. you are far more beautiful that my memories portray. the silence overwhelms me and again my eyes blur, my stomach becomes acid and my mind plays a thousand thoughts, this time each thought a different memory of you, each running faster, each hurting me a little more. "you were right" i say. everything is too much. seeing you is bad. seeing you only reminds me of the day i arrived here. the day you told me everything. the day i should've died. i stand. and soon i find my hands placed on the underside of the light steel table as i throw it across the room.
i wake several minutes later, sitting against a wall i can see the emptiness of the room, looking like a riot had just passed through with overturned tables and chairs scattered across the floor, food and drink spilled filling the gaps between furniture. i look down and see the blood on my hands, knuckles busted and spurting blood. the Crimson kiss against my pale skin looks so pretty and the pain makes me feel at home. the muscles in my neck loosen and my head falls to the side, in my vision a knife, blood covered abs dirty. a sting runs through my arms and i lift them weakly into my sights. long deep vertical slashes down each arm separate the previous mountain range of scars i had gathered over the years. the puddle of red by my legs travels slowly towards the door on the slight slant of the room, the White tiles slowly staining. i know i am dying so i close my eyes and wait. feeling the blood drain from me seconds feel like hours and as i feel my brain start to die arms around me lift me into the air, to weak to open my eyes or fight i fall deeper into my last sleep. my last breaths are weak and slow. one breath after long pauses, i feel my lungs start to give out. the light from past my eyelids and fade to black and i feel no more blood escaping.