So it is the 13/08/22 and I finally feel ready to start writing this chapter. It's taken my three years to get to the point where I can say, I think things are getting better.
Mental health is one of those things that everyone preaches they care about and they would do anything to help, until someone they know starts showing the messy symptoms of an illness.
This is the first time i've ever written about the root cause of why I began self harming and its a relief.
On the 29th of November 2019 I had a PSHE class, that explained the damage that porn can do to young people in particular. I had been exposed to porn and at first I knew it felt wrong but I couldn't stop myself from watching it, which I now know is a universal experience and so many teenagers struggle with it. I remember the teacher had told us that we would go to prison if we ever watched it and that it was a terrible thing to do. That night, was the start of something horrible and that would destroy me. I self harmed. Now I'm not going to go into detail into how I did this because I don't think that's fair on you guys but I most certainly did do it. I didn't know how to deal with this huge dilemma that I most certainly couldn't tell anyone about, so I was left by myself. I genuinely thought that when I turned 18 and they checked my search history (utter bullshit btw) I would be shipped off to a high security prison and would never be able to work with children ever again. And up until now I don't think I really realised how much that took a toll on me.
I started thinking how I would have to kill myself before I turned 18 or I would just live a really bad life. I would cry myself to sleep, self harm almost everyday but I couldn't tell anyone. And that continued for about 2 years, but the self harm was on and off. Eventually I learned that universities and employers couldn't actually look at your search history so the panic was sort of over. However, that experience mixed with covid and lockdown left me with some crippling anxiety and depression.
When it got to the point that I had scars all down my arms I knew I had to tell somebody what was going on. I reached out to one of my, at the time, favourite teachers and wrote a letter about what I had been doing to myself- I didn't say anything about the porn though. Thankfully she gave the letter to the student support manager, who is my literal life saver, and we had a meeting and she called my parents. My mum has bipolar disorder so she was very understanding, and my dad could understand the need to have a coping mechanism. They were in shock for a while and lots of tears were shed, on my part and there's, but at least they knew.
About a month later, and my parents weren't stalling or anything but this was in December do we were all very busy with Christmas and I had tennis matches every week, I had my first appointment with a clinical psychologist called Caroline. I did kind of refuse to talk to her for the first like 10 sessions haha but I shouldn't have. That was the start of my recovery, but it certainly wasn't easy just because I had a therapist. I had some really bad relapses, ended up in hospital 30 minutes before my first GCSE, and I am now living with the consequences of it all (sat in long sleeves in a heatwaves ).
Through writing in my diary, talking to my parents and working with my school and therapist, I have learned what my triggers are and other ways I can cope when I am triggered. I am also on the waiting list to be diagnosed with autism and ADHD, if you don't like that you can leave thankyou, which explains so many aspects of my life.
My journey in recovery is really only just beginning because it's the first time i've ever actually wanted to recover, which is a huge part of it. I've just been through one of the worst depressive episodes that I have ever experienced but I know that fighting was the thing to do because now I can go and have dinner with my family and love my best friend and enjoy life again.
My message to you all suffering with your mental wellbeing, is do not give up. I know everything feels impossible, and maybe you feel like there is no way out other than to heaven and maybe you just don't see the point anymore. But I promise you that it is worth it in the end and you are loved by many many people and your feeling ARE TEMPORARY.
Live life for me until you can live it for yourself again <3
YOU ARE READING
The Good Girl's Guide
Short StoryA guide for all, no matter who, too explore life and learns what it means to be human. I know when I was growing up, I had so many question that I didn't want to ask my mum or someone in person. so I hope this book can bring some comfort or answer...
