Variety Of Lovely Subjects

Struggles of Gender Dysphoria

So, this chapter is just a short rant about something that happened last night with me and Kallie.

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Last night was a normal night with Kallie. Her and I were just making out tiredly. She was on top of me and wasn't being shy whatsoever. We have grown to know each other's bodies in and out and the previous night I had finally used my tongue piercing on her.

That's besides the point. She started kissing down my neck and eventually got to my sternum, kissing and biting at the hickey that was already there. She continued and it started hurting, which is something I like due to my pain kink.

I've always had a pain kink. I never used to feel a thing unless it was someone else causing the pain. Like biting.

Biting, pain, scratching, pinching, anything. I wanted to feel the pain so I could feel something.

Kallie bit really hard and I was already panting. I moaned quietly but loud enough for her to stop. I couldn't believe I had done it. I was disappointed in myself.

I hate my moan. I hate my voice. I hate all of me at this point and that just made me so vulnerable.

I covered my face with my hands and tried hiding behind them. Kallie kept telling me it was fine and that she didn't care, that she liked it. But I don't know how she did.

Probably because I sound like a girl and have the parts of a girl.

She's Omni and leans way towards girls. Like, way towards them. I always have felt she liked me because I was born a girl. That's how I always feel.

Any girl I like leans towards girls. Any guy I like leans towards girls or likes me because I have girl parts. Either way, I feel they want to use my body.

It's something that makes me vulnerable and very uncomfortable but for a very unreasonable thing.

I hid under the pillow, Kallie still on top of me. I started crying but couldn't let her know. I just couldn't. It was too embarrassing to admit but I couldn't ignore it. It had felt amazing but I just couldn't stand my moan.

I mean, of course she likes me. I pretty much am a girl. I don't look like a guy. I have boobs. I have a vagina. Of course she likes me...

Once I stopped having my panic attack, I took the pillow off of my face and stared at the ceiling. I was emotionless. I was back in that dark hole Kallie always pulled me out of just by talking to me.

But then she placed a small kiss on my cheek. Butterflies filled my body, my thoughts were swarmed with how much I love her, and my heart's pace fastened.

She grabbed her laptop from the floor and put on a little kid show.

When I was a kid, I was forced to grow up quickly. I never watched little kid shows, I never got those good night hugs from both of my parents every single night, I never got special breakfasts for my birthday. I didn't have any of that luxury.

I watched the children's show until I felt better and when I did, Kallie and I cuddled until we fell asleep.

My point is...

If your significant other or friend's-with-benefits is a trans guy or girl, please be aware of how they feel. If they need a second to breathe and calm down, let them. Don't push them to do more.

You're already lucky you are able to kiss us. Most trans men and women I know don't let people touch them whatsoever, not even a kiss.

Anyways, I hope you have a good rest of your day. Be kind.

-Ash Clementine xoxo