slipping through my fingers // wolfstar

my strange addiction

"put your lips on my skin and you might ignite it. hurts, but I know how to hide it, kinda like it"

November 16, 1977

It's seven in the morning; the blinding sun shines across my eyes. I aggressively pulled the blankets over my head, dreading the outcomes of this odd feeling day. No one was up yet, which meant, since I couldn't fall back asleep, I'd be able to meander through the Gryffindor common room alone.

I quietly arose from my bed and rubbed the morning feeling off my eyes. I searched around for my glasses, yet I couldn't find them anywhere. I swear I left them right on my nightstand- oh, there they are.

My lips formed a slight smile as I noticed where they were placed. Sirius had placed them on the teddy bear that he claims isn't his. I'm not sure it's normal to sleep with a teddy bear that isn't yours, so I assume he's lying of course.

Every day I wonder to myself, is it possible to love him more than I already do? and every day he proves me wrong because he always finds a way to make me fall in love with him even more. I wish he hadn't entrapped me with those eyes, and that smile; man that smile enlivens me every time I see it. I'm at the point where people are noticing the red pigment in my cheeks every time Sirius is around. I've got to start being more careful.

"I wish you were mine," I whispered under my breath, taking in the beauty of the sleeping boy.

Once I realized how long I was staring, I quickly looked away and headed downstairs. I don't mean to stare, but, I just become astonished with every look. I swear he glows, others may not be able to see it, but I do. He glows so brightly.

I entered the common room and sat directly in front of the fireplace. It's autumn here at Hogwarts and the weather is getting colder by the day. I myself enjoy the snowy winters that Hogwarts receives. The white snowflakes covering the entire ground, relaxing by the fireplace as the snow falls heavily outside, and of course, Christmas time.

I only wish Sirius was here with me at this moment. It would be perfect, the crackling sounds of the fire going on in the background as Sirius holds me tightly.

However, this can never be.

Ever since 4th year, I've wanted Sirius Black to be mine, and ever since the beginning of this year have I realized that my simple crush has turned into pure love. I've known Sirius since the first day of Hogwarts, his curly black hair making him stand out in the crowd of first year's waiting to be sorted into their houses. We are inseparable the four of us, James, Peter, Sirius, and I. My best friends for life; never did I imagine I'd fall in love with one of them. I had always had a closer connection with Sirius, couldn't tell you why, I just did. I soon found myself wanting to be near him in every situation. Quidditch games, I sat beside Sirius. Lunch and dinner, sat beside Sirius. In class, I made sure to get the seat next to Sirius. I'm very close with James and Peter, of course. I love them, they're my best friends, however, with Sirius, it's different. It's like my heart ignites again at the sight of his beautiful face. I don't remember exactly when I knew I liked him more than a friend, I think I always did.

I began to notice my strong feelings when I kept having reoccurring dreams of Sirius, it was always the same one over and over again. I would be laying in a field of flowers, but all of them were dead. Then Sirius would appear and with every touch, the flowers would be filled with color once again. Sirius would lay right beside me, then he would turn his head towards me and whisper, "If you can't even love yourself, how can you love me?" Every time I dreamt that dream, I would wake up instantly after he mentioned those words.

I'd rather not get into that at the moment.

I'll never tell though Sirius about my feelings though. He can't know, it would ruin our friendship. Our 6-year long friendship gone, over a stupid confession. No, I won't let that happen.