The Thought Of You | ✎ on going

07

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♡ALINA♡

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* Nine months ago *

It was too late.

I knew it was going to come to this point yet I swore I would never believe it would. I convinced myself day and night that everything was going to be okay, That she was going to be okay.

But she never was. She told me she was, but I knew her more than anything.

She wasn't okay.

They told us six months, She pushed for seven.

It was my fault she never told anyone, it was my fault she never thought of treating it.

It's my fault she was going to die. It's all my fault.

Somedays i wish she could have told me earlier. Treat it of all its damage and be able to walk again. But she can't.

She was slipping through my fingers like sand, slowly disappearing beneath my skin. She was leaving me and I couldn't do anything about it. No cure, no bandage, no anything.

I was watching her die and all I could do was nothing.

Out of everyone, why did it have to be her.

Why did it have to be the only person who was ever there for me?.

The only one I have.

Why?.

A husky cough snapped me out of my thoughts. Who would have thought A low sick and raspy tone could shatter my heart into more pieces than one could fix.

It broke me more than any boy could, or any thief could steal. My mother was in pain and all i could do was watch.

Her eyes fluttered open. My body uncurling itself from the yellow side couch and my eyes going heavy from the dark bags dragging beneath them. Stained mascara from two days ago still stuck to my cheek bones as I nibbled nervously on the skin my teeth had torn from my bottom lip.

"A...li-" Her voice spoke tiredly as I cut her off. Her skin is no longer the tan olive I remember it being a few months ago, instead a now very pale white. Her skin down to the bone, her eyes so tired she could hardly open them to look at me.

"I'm here Mama, don't worry." I walked to her hospital bed, dragging my legs that felt heavier than anything in my body towards her. I grabbed her very cold hand and placed it in mine, rubbing small circles to the back of her hand in hopes maybe it would make her hand less cold and less gone.

It wasn't working but I tried convincing myself I was helping her. Curing her.

"You know...I love you." Her voice cracking with each sentence as a stray tear escaped her green eyes.

"I know. I know." I held her hand up to my lips planting soft kisses to the back of her palm in hopes to remind myself not to break down.

The soft beep of her heart monitor fills up the silence in the room acting as a reminder of how bad it has become. How bad it is.

Her mouth struggled to open as she voiced the words "I'm sorry."

She shouldn't be sorry. It was my fault. All of it was my fault.

"Don't say that." I said against her palm quietly, a stream of tears trickling down my face, blending into the dark shades of my smudged mascara, "There is nothing to be sorry for."

"I'm sorry-"' A body trickling sob escaped my body as my grip on her arm slowly began rubbing comforting circles faster. I needed this to work.

I needed to save her.

The heart monitor started to beep, slowly dropping down then back up.

"Mom, stop it." Tears rain down my cheeks like salty rivers, never stopping continuing its stream.

"Lina listen to me." Her voice broke, her hand escaping mine as she brought her palm to wipe my tears. My eyes frantically looked at the lines dropping and growing against the screen, my heart plunging at every drop.

Not yet. Please.

"M...mo-" The machine took over my body, the constant beep becoming the only thing I could hear. "Nurse! Anyone! Help!' I screamed. "Help!, Please."

"Alina." My heart began to rise up and down, my hands shaking as I watched it slowly beep again and again, but faster. "Alina."

My head whipped towards Mom watching as she frantically reached for my hands.

"Tune it out."

My body started breaking down, decaying into the floor beneath me.

Tune it out. Tune it out. Tune it out.

"I'm so proud of you Lina" My head shook left to right, in denial of the fact she was slipping away from me.

Not yet. Not now.

She slowly placed my hands on her heart, her eyes closed slowly, fluttering then opening again as if she was looking into the sun.

"Please, mama not yet." My lip quivered as I watched her smile slowly, but not the smile I've grown to know. The beeps slowly become one every two seconds.

"I love you Alina." Her hand slowly fell from my face, my eyes blurring watching as more tears began to slip.

"I love you." I sobbed, she took my other hand placing it on the locket she was wearing.

"I know you do." She smiles weakly at me, her cheekbones barely moving as the machine starts beeping over and over again.

This can't be it. It won't be. I won't let it.

My right hand felt the thumps of her heart begin to slow down. One after the other, disappearing into anything but where it needed to be. With me.

She was all i had, all i had ever had.

Who would skate with me when i was sad?. Hold my hand when crossing the road even at the age of sixteen?. Take me to prom, or see me walk down the aisle?.

She needed to tell me everything was going to be okay.

I looked at her for a second, and I almost thought maybe she was still here. Maybe she would stand up and be okay.

Nurses and doctors began bursting through the door, one after the other entering the room and asking me to move aside.

I was glued to her body, holding on not ready to leave her just yet.

But she was gone.

And the only noise I had left of her was a long beep.

This time I couldn't tune it out.