𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 • james potter

letter no.10

letter no.10 Only ever yours

oOoOoOo

Lyra, my Lyra,
why? What did you do?

I'm sitting on your bed, breathing in the air that smells just like you.
Surrounded by all those letters, all those pages and all those silent words that you will never get to say.

Everything is still the same and yet never to be compared at all.
The table is still where it always used to be.
Your nightstand full of the romance books you used to read, hoping you would someday get to live the romance of your own.
Your bed is neatly made.

Remember how you always told me that mine was too messy?
"How can you even find your peace right here?", you always asked.
And now that I'm in your room for the last time, I don't understand it either.
Maybe it was because I knew you were just three walls away from me. That I could hear your happy shouts echoing through the common room after you won a game of chess against Peter.
Or maybe I could sleep peacefully because you were the most peaceful person I have ever met.
At least I thought you were.

Why didn't you tell me?
It seems stupid to ask this now but I have to know. Know something I'll never get to hear an answer to.

I wish I would have known, I wish you would've told me. Said all those words right out for the whole world to hear.
But I get that you didn't, believed that you couldn't. It's all my fault.
I broke  you down and I will never be able to apologize, to tell you what I feel.

It is breaking me apart, Lyra. My little Vixen.
It ruins me.
It makes me sick.

How could you do this? How could you leave me?
Just like you said, with nothing left to breathe.
You left me alone, in this big world of loneliness. I miss you, oh, I miss you.
My heart is aching, not bothering to slow its beats. You broke it all apart.

We truly are falling like the stars, aren't we, Lyra?

I miss your smile in the morning, your laugh in the open and your calm in between the lines.
I hope now you fell safe inside.

All of us are going crazy. Numb you might have called it.
Sirius is dead. Still breathing but you might mistake him for a ghost in this castle. The circles under his eyes are dark, his mouth pulled tight and his hair a mess. Just like the one in his head
Peter is losing himself. Painfully slow he walks through the day, letting the life slip through his hands. Never eating, smiling almost none, just crying day and night.
And Remus, oh our Moony. Going off the deep end he is. You know how he got closed off on full moon. Tried to isolate himself fully from the world.
Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I want to fall.
This is who we are now.
This is us.

This is how you left us.
This is what it did.
I can't believe how unloved you felt, when all we ever did was love you.
Yes, Vixen, I love you. Oh, how much I do.
I guess I never did good at showing you. And now you are gone and I'll never ever get the chance.
Oh, only love can hurt like this.

The sight of you, the last little glimpse is the thing keeping me up at night.
Your cheeks were so shallow, ever color drained from your skin. Surrounded by blood, oh so much blood. You truly looked like a fallen angel. Wearing your white nightgown and a headband all around.
This is what you are now, isn't it?
An angel from above.
Finally spreading your wings to fly and letting your halo shine.
A magical creature.

I wish you would have known that you always were an angel to me. A protector of sorts.
My light in the dark, bright enough to always shine.

Are you still there? Still by my side? Right here with me?

I do let myself believe so. I truly do, my star.
That you are. A star, shining brighter than any other ever has before. The lightest shine in the night sky.

I do remember our nights.
Gazing at the stars that were keeping the one of your own company.
That's how I'll see you, Lyra. I will look at the sky and I wish to hear your voice one last time.
Can you do that for me? Look down at me and reach out? Take my hand into yours, just briefly, and make me fly.

I will always be by your side, waiting for the moment in which you are willing to speak. Just like you couldn't when you were still alive.
I will wait for you to come back every second of the day and every minute of the night.

I will wait a hundred years for you, Lyra. A million if I must.
We will be together. Will be reunited once again.
If not in this life then the next.

I wish I would've known, Lyra.
I wish you would've told me.
I wish we could have been.

Only ever yours, to break and to love,
James.

AN: This is it. 

This is the last letter that was sent but never read. The marauders kept the letter writing going to honor the friend that they'd lost in unknown. James Potter never forgave himself for what happened with Lyra, however, as his ghost rose up into the sky he was to be united with his love forever.