Seeing double

Chapter two

The rest of the afternoon passes by in a blur, Sherlock making deductions about the pedestrians on the street to escape his boredom, John sarcastically replying to them, Rosie pulling out every toy she owns to show me and myself soaking in the company.  I'd not been around people in such a long time, it felt strange.  Unfamiliar.

University was lonely, isolating, dark.  Filled with the endless pattern of lecture, seminar, work, reading, sleep and repeat.  Friends were not easily made, it was a different kind of torture to be locked up into a tiny room, an ever-widening abyss of loneliness eclisping me.  Excruciating.  A prison of my own design.  Until I met him, mysterious and enigmatic, charming and beautiful, is it any wonder, that in the end, I found myself loving him? When he swooped in with brown eyes and a seductive smile, offering to love me in a way nobody ever had before, is it such a surprise I fell?

'No.' I whisper angrily to myself, 'we don't think about him anymore.'

The fall was hard but it was the landing that killed me.

'I was about to make dinner,' John says, popping his head around the bedroom door, where I'd been filling his draws with my clothes, 'will you be joining us?' Apprehension scars his face but I don't make mine so obvious.

'Yeah, of course.'

He smiles and nods, before stepping closer into the room, 'so, are you settling in?'

The atmosphere could be cut with a knife, tension so thick I could feel it with my hands. I can't do anything but mumble a 'yes' as I fold my floral dress into a square, slipping it inside the wardrobe.

'Look, I'm sorry for what Sherlock said back there,' he begins 'he can be such an arsehole.'

I laugh 'no, it's totally okay, it's nice he's so relaxed around the subject.'

My words are daggers, stabbing him where it hurts, like a wounded puppy, he is stunned into silence and loses eye contact.

'I tell people they have cancer,' he blurts randomly.  

'Come again?' 

'I tell them they're dying, that their tests came back positive, the lump is malignant, the scans showing breaks and bends, that their medication will stop working and their bodies will too.  I give people news that ruins them, flips their life upside down on a daily basis and I can't even talk to my sister about her eating problem.'

My eyes are wet, oceans swimming, threatening to spill like waterfalls, 'it's why I didn't come home, John.  It's hard for me, I have a mental illness, and that's difficult enough for me to understand but you're a doctor. I thought you, of all people, would get that, be okay to talk about it, was coming back a mistake? Can't you handle me?'

'Of course I can!' He throws up his hands in defence. 'It's just...I know how to heal sprains and bandage cuts but I don't know how to fix you.'

'You don't have to 'fix' me, John, you just have to be here.  I just need my brother to be with me whilst I get better, while I learn how to eat again, to function without destroying myself.  Look, it's complex, I get that, and I don't expect you to understand it all, but being here with you? It helps, it keeps me on track, accountable for recovery, gives me a support system, being with you is enough.'

He nods, 'C'mere' he mumbles and pulls me into a tight hug, 'I'll always be here for you, Avery, always.'

I nod into his shoulder, 'and I love you for that.  This is going to be hard, but I'm prepared to get better, okay? Before graduating, I'd already reached out for help, seeing the uni counselor every week, working through this for months before I left, and I have enough knowledge to keep going by myself. I'm in recovery but it's still such a struggle and sometimes eating feels impossible but when I'm here with you? It feels easier.  Being back with you makes it seem worth it and like I have something to keep going for, y'know?'