Falling out of Life [5up Centric]

Chapter 7

I sat leaning against the bathroom door for a few minutes curled up in a ball contemplating what I did. Should I tell anyone?

No.

Then I heard a discord call coming through on my computer, I glanced at my phone and saw it was Hafu. She must have ended stream when I left. Everyone did.

You're ruining everyone's fun.

I had to answer or she would freak out. I didn't want to cause her any more pain. I picked up the call on my phone.

"H-hey Hafu," I was already shaking again. I couldn't lie to her she knows me too well.

"Oh thank god, 5up! Are you okay? Do you need something? What's happening?" Shit. I thought she would let it go. She knows somethings wrong.

Everything is wrong with you.

"I- um well, my dad insisted on leaving right when he got better and I'm just alone in my apartment and a bit worried for him." Hopefully my lie would work.

"Oh that makes sense, maybe I could come and visit, you don't live too far away!"

Fuck. Great. Now what do I say.

Turn her down. She shouldn't have to come save your sorry ass.

"That's sounds great when would you want to come?"

Fucking idiot.

"Like Saturday maybe?" She sounds so excited and my brain is just battling with itself. Once she comes how long can I hide it?

She will find out.

She can't find out.

"Uhh 5up? You there?" Hafu's voice sounded through the phone speakers.

"Oh yeah that sounds good, I'll pick you up from the airport, just tell me when you get off the plane!"

"Great!" I can see the happiness on her face and I start to be glad I let her come.

"Also Hafu?"

"Mhm?"

"Can you take me off the morning lobbies for a week or so? For until you come and then a few days after?" It's for the best. I can't risk anything more going wrong.

You know you will just fuck it all up.

~-~

After I get off call with Hafu I look in the fridge, it's empty, I haven't gone to the store in a while.

I drive to a supermarket and pick out some items but nothing really looks good. When I carried the basket, my arms stung from the cuts I made earlier.

You don't regret them.

His voice right, I don't.

~-~

I rode the bus home from school in my junior year of high school on a Friday. It was the weekend and everyone was excited but me. School was the place where I could escape from the terror and abuse at home. With my mom and brother gone there was nothing to look forward to. Unless you count the relief I get when my dad leaves my room.

When I got off the bus I wasn't surprised to see my dads car gone, probably at a bar or something. What I didn't expect to see was a letter addressed to me on my kitchen counter. No one had been in contact with us for ages; only bills that we could barely pay that were addressed to my dad.

I opened the envelope to see a letter folded up into thirds. Similarly to the envelope it was addressed to me. The thing that put me on edge was that it was addressed to 5. I didn't think much of it but now I realize that it is weird that it didn't have my legal or given name on it.

I read the letter:

Dear 5,

     For the last few years you have been less talkative and it's felt like you haven't wanted to be friends anymore. It doesn't feel like you care about my struggles or what I say to you. I know we have been friends since first grade but it really doesn't feel that way anymore.

Goodbye 5,
         
     Aaron S.

Silent tears rolled down my cheeks. I didn't have too many friends to begin with and I completely stopped talking to a lot of them when my brother left. Aaron was the only one I kept in contact with. Now he was gone too.

I curled up on the couch my face stained with tears of loneliness. An hour later the door burst open and the heavy shoes of my dad walked through the doorway.

He came towered over me and yelled "Why are you crying!? Who hurt you?" My face looked up in surprise.

"You care?" My expression must have been filled with something maybe compassion or maybe just bewildered because my dad then shouted "NO YOU LITTLE BITCH! I WANTED TO KNOW WHO ELSE MADE YOU CRY AS MUCH AS I DO. Who else can make you feel that pain. Maybe I'll invite them over sometime." He smiled menacingly.

He grabbed my waist and threw me up off the couch and slammed me against a wall. The horrid smell of alcohol was present as he breathed into my face. He slapped me on the cheek and when I leaned forward punched my head back into the wall. While my pain tolerance had grown, my skin couldn't get thicker. Blood ran down the wall where my head hit it.

[TW// Kissing without consent- skip to the authors note at the end of the chapter if you don't want to read]

~-~

He pushed himself against me and firmly held me there. His breathing was rugged and I got scared, what the hell was he doing!? That's when he smashed his lips onto mine. I was so surprised this was my dad! It wasn't nice, it wasn't pleasant and it made me feel weird as hell. He wasn't being gentle either has he attacked my neck. I knew he wasn't in the right mind, I knew it was because he was lonely, but I also knew this wasn't okay.

I tried to push him away but he pinned my arms above my head and growled, "Stop squirming." 

After a couple more desperate minutes, I freed my arms with terror left in my eyes. "Why the fuck did you do that?"

That was the first time he abused me in a different way. It never went farther than making out, but it was enough to make me uncomfortable and scared out of my mind. That weekend is when I stopped going to school.

He did this a total of 7 times in my life, and by the time I was 19 I was able to escape this weird, twisted part of him. Those two years were too long. I never felt any attraction to anyone after that. Maybe that's why people say I'm never compassionate when I talk.

How will I ever be normal...

~1204 words

Authors Note: This will be as far as I write about this stuff in 5's past because it is a very sensitive and serious topic and I do feel a bit uncomfortable writing about it. If someone ever does something to you that you are not okay with, tell them to stop or tell someone you trust about it, no matter how insignificant it may feel to you, your body and boundaries are so valid and important!!!