In Your Head

nine

A rush of wind smacks me in the face the moment I step outside, throwing the doors open as I tread out of the mall. Everything is tense inside me, my muscles a permanent ache. My fists are clenched, my jaw unable to relax. I don't think I can release it even if I wanted to. I can't turn the elements off high inside me, like someone has forgotten to shut them off and a fire is building under my skin.

Screw that lady. Screw Zack. Screw John, even though he wasn't at work today. But whatever, screw all the staff at the store. Screw everyone! They can all go to hell!

My feet stomp on the pavement, fighting hard against the autumn wind as I walk into it. Across the dead street where no one drives past, through the parking lot no one's parked in. The only cars here belong to employees, or people going to the movies. Although it's a Sunday, and no good movies worth seeing play on Sundays. Besides, there aren't any good shows out now. Maybe the reruns of the Halloween movies like Scream, or The Sixth Sense that just came out months ago. Or even the Halloween franchise movies they play close to October, my old friends and I thrilled to attend every year in the past. Mandy and I went last year as well, the first year for me in a while, and I have to say, it was pretty fun. Like the fun I used to have, it felt nice to pretend to be normal, even for a couple hours.

The dried, crunchy leaves scrape across the cement, following me along to my car. By the second I add speed to my steps, my truck coming up closer, beginning to appear behind a few cars feet away. But honestly, I don't know what to do, where to go now. Mom thinks I'm stuck at work till 5. What will she think if I return now? Tell her I quit? She'll think I'm dumb, she'll lecture me, like every other time I make a mistake.

"Why would you quit like that? That's not giving them enough notice. That's very irresponsible," she'll say, I know she'll say something like that. "What's that going to look like for appearances? You quitting like that?" she'll say that too, she's too big on appearances now. Like she cares more about how others see me, than how I actually feel. But maybe that's my own fault, I'm the one who said that stupid shit all over TV.

The small pebbles and larger rocks crackle against the cold ground as I drag my feet, kicking them with every step. So lost in my own thoughts, peering down at the ground I don't realize at first things have quieted down inside me, the anger not as hot as seconds ago when I left the mall. Those angry feelings have morphed into something else, something I can't quite figure out right now as they mix with other thoughts.

Why do I have to be like this? I want to be happy, like I used to be. I was content with my regular, daily life. Why can't I be like that anymore? Why is it that my emotions now are only anger, and whatever feeling this is? I don't want these bad thoughts roaming in my head anymore.

But do you want to be who you used to be? That stupid, naive girl? The little flower? I don't think you do.

Wandering away with my mind, I don't realize at first who's hanging around my vehicle as I approach it, until their voice and presence call me out.

"Hey Kar, long time no talk," Austin says, leaning against the side of my truck, his car parked a few spots away from mine. I freeze for a second, processing this change, this unexpected visit. I try to fake a smile, but I don't think it quite works out as his face dampens.

"Yeah, well," is the only thing I come up with as I shrug. There isn't anything to say to him, like usual.

He doesn't know how to respond. As if he was half expecting me to be more enthusiastic when my eyes met his, jumping up and down with my big smile plastered to my face, running up and tackling him to the ground in a bear hug. Yeah right. I've never done that in the past, why would I all of a sudden act like that?