In Your Head

ten

The road is a blur as tears swell in my eyes, like rain pouring down. The faster I blink the harder they roll down my cheeks, leaving traces that burn and itch, roads reaching nowhere on my face. They dry after a few moments with the heat blasting in my truck, sticking to my face, becoming tighter.

He shouldn't have come to see me. What was he expecting would happen? He knows me by now, he knows what I'm like. Why does he keep pushing me? Things are better this way. What happened back there is on him. It's his fault he got upset. He shouldn't have high expectations for me anymore, I just disappoint.

It doesn't matter how many times I try convincing myself, I still don't feel any better. I can't get Austin's tear-stricken face out of my head, it burns in my mind. Like a dreaded reminder, a tiny voice popping up.

'You did this. This is your doing. You broke his heart, more than once. Are you happy now?'

No. No, I didn't. It's his fault. He should have known I was going to say that, like every other time in the past.

I speak back to the small voice in my head, making excuses for myself like it'll make me feel better. But nothing works, I still feel like crap.

Maybe I should go back. Turn around right now and head back to him. Would he still be there? Sitting by his car along the gravel in the mall parking lot? Trying to process what I just said to him? I could apologize, or just see him at least.

No, that's dumb. Why would you go back? This is the guilt talking, you know you don't really want to. You're just going to make things worse. Let him process everything you just said, let it sink in. If you go back, you'll confuse everything. You need to make a clean break from them all. No more past self. No more old friends. They don't belong in this new life of yours.

The pull from each voice yanks me back and forth like whiplash, until my mind is nothing but jumbled messes of confusion. I play it safe, continuing my path on the road, no idea where I'm heading. But honestly I don't care, I need the space to clear and untangle the ruins in my head.

The sky falters and the watercolours smear together into blobs of hazy darkness. Evening approaches, and now my headlights are the brightest thing on the road, glowing in the dark. Creating a path of light through our small town that's slowly dying out in the night. Passing cars become scarce. Lamp posts flicker on with the last of the season bugs hovering around the light. 'Open' signs hanging along small shop windows flip to the other side that read 'Sorry, we're closed, come again!'. Hardly any people walk along the sidewalks as the dark covers our town, everyone returning to their homes. Something I should be doing too, but I can't be bothered.

Mom's gonna wanna know how work went, and I can't tell her I just quit. Then she's going to ask me what I did after that, and I can't tell her I argued with Austin again, she doesn't get it.

Another thing she doesn't get; she can't understand why I don't hang around with Austin or Candace or Alanna anymore. But maybe that's because I've never told her the actual reason, I know it'll only confuse her more.

It's more work to go home now, it's better to stay away. To keep driving, wherever this road takes me. A traveler of the night, a traveler beyond worlds. And if I'm lucky, this road will teleport me to a world magical and safe and alternate in so many ways from this one. Contorting into a world where I belong.

**

"You don't belong in our town, Kara. You don't belong anywhere. You're only place is with me. We're meant to be together, it's destiny. Why do you think it just so happened you were walking on the same route I drove home that day? This was meant to happen. I know you feel it too."