The Irwin Agenda

Why?

"Finally! We've done it!" cackled Wei Wuxian raucously.

Lan Xichen was too pleased to admonish him for his volume.

"Indeed we have," he smiled.

His project was nearly complete. All they needed now was for Sect Leader Jiang to bring over his biggest contribution to the cause, the thing that started it all, and everything would be perfect.

------

Lan Qiren was confused and enraged. "Lan Xichen! What is the meaning of this!?"

His face was twitching, not knowing which emotion to settle on.

"The elders told me that you announced that you were leaving seclusion.... which I was happy about until I heard you went to Yunmeng and brought back a crocodile?!"

Lan Xichen frowned. "Technically, Sect Leader Jiang brought it from Yunmeng. I simply assisted him. It was a gift from one Sect Leader to another. He included it as part of Wei Wuxian's late dowry as a personal apology for the delay, though it wasn't his fault Wangji and Wei Wuxian eloped and didn't tell anyone. But regardless it was a nice gesture and I accepted it. Is that a problem, uncle?" he said placidly.

Lan Qiren sputtered, face turning red with anger, "Of course it's a problem Xichen! Did you forget your own sect rules? Pets are not allowed! And even if they were, where are you planning on keeping it? For crying out loud Xichen we're in the mountains! You can't bring a crocodile here! This is unacceptable! Take it back to Yunmeng at once!"

He had always thought Sect Leader Jiang was a sensible young man. Lan Qiren had always been fond of the acerbic young Sect Leader who, despite his reputation, was a loyal, dutiful man who worked harder than anyone Lan Qiren ever knew. His sect was flourishing now thanks to him. Nobody had thought the Jiang Sect would ever regain its former glory, but he had done the impossible and surpassed it. He even did the cultivation world the favor of hunting down those wretched practitioners of demonic cultivation who, unlike his not-so-favourable nephew-in-law, had not turned to it because of desperation but because they wanted quick power and did not care if they disturbed people's graves or destroyed souls to do it (Lan Qiren might not like Wei Wuxian, but after everything was revealed even he could acknowledge that Wei Wuxian's life was the definition of extenuating circumstances; he did not approve of his methods but he understood why he did it).

But it seemed like he may have to reassess his opinion. Just what was Sect Leader Jiang thinking? A crocodile? In this climate? Notwithstanding their sect rules which didn't allow pets, how could he think this was viable? And why... why did Sect Leader Jiang suddenly decide he would make their sect leader flout his own rules? Was this repayment for some slight?

Oh!

Wait a minute! He suddenly recalled several incidents he'd overheard the juniors (that Lan Jingyi had a big mouth) talking about over the years with relish! And dammit! He knew Wangji's blatant disrespect of the man would one day come back to bite them (he shivered, maybe literally this time!). He'd scolded his younger nephew enough times for it but Wangji was as stubborn as Wei Wuxian's blasted donkey when he wanted to be.

(Speaking of which.. Wei Wuxian gifted Wangji rabbits and they multiplied rapidly, taking over the back fields... then he brought a donkey... and now his past shidi was bringing Xichen a crocodile... did The Cloud Recesses look like a zoo to these Yunmeng men? How did he even know what a zoo was, one might ask? Well, it came to him in a dream once and it seemed an appropriate description. Now that dream seemed like it was forewarning him of this nightmare.)

"Uncle?" Lan Xichen questioned, noticing the man's silence, "Are you okay?"

Lan Qiren did not hear him. By this time he was wondering if he kowtowed at Sect Leader Jiang's feet and apologised for his younger nephew and begged him to find another gift for Xichen as a consideration to his former teacher, if the man would acquiesce.

"Uncle, I apologise if I have upset you. But Fang isn't a pet, he's a companion. So I will not be getting rid of him. I've already tasked Wei Wuxian with helping me to create an area behind the Hanshi where Fang could live properly. For the past few months we've been working on it and I'm pleased to say we finally managed to finish two days ago and so I went to collect Fang from Sect Leader Jiang.

Lan Qiren felt faint. "But why a crocodile!? Couldn't you get a human for company?" he asked exasperatedly, "You aren't getting any younger Xichen, if you want a companion so badly, I could help you look for a wife!"

Lan Xichen shook his head. "I have no desire to find a wife right now Uncle. I am tired of humans at the moment. As for why a crocodile, well that's simple. You know where you stand with them. Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes, they pretend to be your friend first."

Lan Qiren, "..."