The Traveler Mind

Part 1 : The Path

People always hope that life will offer them an easy path so that they can sail their ship and be enchanted by the beauty that God allow to reign in this world. Man always forgets that God Himself created this world with equal beauty and ugliness, with surfaces, mountains, waterfalls, lakes, rivers, crates, snow and rocks. Jungles, dunes, plants, animals, beasts and spirits. We enjoy the beauty of nature, yet we hope we have an easy life with no test nor purposes.

We enjoy the company of people who devour us, but we hate those who hurt and harm us.  We do our best to differentiate between the two; as if we didn't know that both fulfill the same roles in our lives. The person whom harms us or does bad things, might make leave your comfort zone, move forward and take on new adventures.   

At some point, she question the existence of man and how God plays his role. Does he let us decide what we want in our lives, or does he want us to simple follow His? Is there any guide she can follow as she doesn't want to waste her time following the wrong path and have to turn back at the end of the day as the road is the death end.

According to the Japanese ikigai, we do not create a purpose for our lives. Then who did? What is the point of being a human if we have no control over our own selves? What if we hate the purpose that has been imposed on us? 

She wants to ask God; why we felt lost at certain point in our lives, we felt that we had a purpose, but no one let us know what that purposes was. She has a career, but she hates it. She has been in a relationship many times, but the man does not seems happy with her. She needs the answer. And why? And why does God never listen?

"Are you alone, Mam?" She turned her back to the voice, while two park rangers checked the area and another held a files folder. Both are busy taking note and discussing in silent. 

"Yes"

"The fees is $16"

"Just a moment." She takes the money out of her jeans and goes to the taller rangers.

The ranger returns 4 dollars and the person holding the files notes something on the paper. The car registered number, she guesses. They smile at her.

"So you check once a day right?" She wonder.

"No. We checking twice a day, at 6pm and 8am in the morning?" The park ranger reply with a thick New Zealand accent.

"Okay. Thank you." The 2 young rangers smile and move towards another caravan.

All these years, she struggled with herself. Depression. It seems like her inner self is constantly miscommunicating with her own self. Everything seems wrong in her life. Everything seems frustrating. 

She needed something to just run away and become a new person. If she is Japanese, she would like to try Johatsu. Disappear without leaving a trace. Leaving everything, life, home, friends, herself, her current identity, and a fresh start as a new person, a new identity in a new place. 

But NO. She isn't Japanese anyway. That won't be her choice; and even if it were her choice, she might fail anyway. Because this stupid mind always accepts and knows how to process bad memories and never lets them go. 

Her mother always treats her badly; shout at her and expresses her frustration through anger. She's not sure if her mother is frustrated with herself or with the situation that she cannot control or if it's just a drama between a mother and daughter. Everything seems to echoes in her head until she can feels his heart shrink; all she feels is hurt and out of breath. Fear, anxiety she guessed. She was sick of it. Mentally. Obviously.

"I had told you many time before and you've never listen to me." Her mother voice and yelled out of her lung echoes in her heads.

"Mom, at least let me do this on my own way." She tried to stand for her own decision.

"No....no ... and no. You do what I exactly told you. Otherwise these will happen again in your life." Her mother stormed out of her room and left the door open. She knew she shouldn't do something without her mother's permission, but she was 16 now, and she could be friends with whoever she wanted to be friends with. She didn't have to get approval from her mother for every step she took. 

She had long been forgiven her, tried to forget her mistake, even though she knows it was impossible. This memory was already stored and stuck in her brain, unconsciously. She is anxious, hurt, sad, self-conscious, always demotivated and all the negative thoughts have stuck in her head and shaping the person she is today.

The same old herself kept coming back and hunting her. 

'You are not good enough, you might fail this, you will never succeed, ungrateful chill!!!!'. 

People need to know, that the most terrible battle is the one we fight within ourselves, within our heads and within our minds. 

Murmuring, crumbling, bubbling, objecting, criticizing none stop. It has to reset itself, reimage and reload like an overloaded computer full of viruses and malicious malware. So the journey to the other side of the world is what it needs at this moment. 

How is it that God allow someone to be hurt and scarred and hopes that one day the person will ignore the scar even though it is already there. God sometimes tries to play a game with her. She had surrendered that relationship a long time ago. But life kept reminding her of her own history and misery; the scar.

It is 6pm and the sun is shining brightly, the snow covers the mountain that she can see on her left and a brief evening air swap her face slightly. Although she felt so tired because of the long journey and drive, she took a moment to enjoy the Aoraki longings of Mount Cook. 

People like to run away and so does she. Only she takes time to run a way to the land of many sheep, then people. Hopefully her dull gloomy life will mbaa.... mbaaah..... away. Stupid joke. She kept her smile to herself. She learns to make a stupid joke out of everything, but the joke stays in her head and not in her mouth, otherwise others will think she's inappropriate and or not funny.

She was raised by a mother who suffers from postpartum depression after giving birth. Her mother hates her. It seems abnormal but yes, that's how their relationship is. She tried to love her mother, tried to understand her, follow all her order and hurt herself to some extent. The best solution she has found now, after looking at some advise on Youtube, is of course, to stay away from this toxic relationship.

Despite all the negative things happening in her life, she loves to jump to the very last option of 'How to heal from Toxic Relationship' which is to find a difference meaning in life. 

Some stupid proverb tells that, "One cannot find God unless one soul make a life journey with nature and find himself first". 

She is afraid of the things the wild world can bring, so the only best and safe option is to pack her backpack and go on a long journey to the land of Aoraki. She rent a car and there she is. ALONE.

Alone with a large suitcase full of the things that she can not live without. Which of course, means that her airport investigation takes longer than the others. She has told them, that the longest she will be in this country for a month at most and not longer then that. She has not bought her return ticket yet because she does not know her next destination. It could be Thailand again or maybe Australia. She will not stay longer and pick strawberries here. Period.

I'm not sure, why bringing a folding table and a camping chair could be a problem. She loves that table that she bought at Decathlon Singapore so much, it make her feel at home while having a cup of coffee and read a books. It's just a piece of table that she can fold up and stow nicely in her suitcase. She packs all her camping gear in a suitcase, while she stows everything else in her backpack. They have taken her tent, tracking stick for scanning and some of her dried food that she had brought with her during her stay in Singapore has been taken. Yaadaa... yaaaddaaa.... yaddaaa... an hour later, she was on her way. 

To sum up all of her decision, she didn't passed her interview, didn't make it. She broke up with her boyfriend. No.. No..., he broke up with her. And that's even worse. She feels humiliated. And the worst thing  is, that she wants to run away from her own mother. To her, it look like she always doing everything wrong. 

Something is wrong with herself. Although she did not admit it, she is now half Johatsu herself. Well!! She has to live with it. Does she?