Great and Greater

Chapter 6-Again And Again

Kill me long wait, I know. I just got soo AHHHH!!!! from overwhelmedness and all the tarea I had that I had no time to sleep, literally, let alone write. However, I was lying on the floor of the living room inspecting the ceiling listening to Push on Avril Lavigne's new album and I got the sudden ehhhhgghmmm drive to write something passionate and personal. So I wrote this. 

So I suppose this chapter's song is Push by Avril Lavigne. 

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                Gradually you heart goes hard. The tears dry from your cheeks whilst the spinning captures you and you feel all remorse and sadness leaving you. You’re above it. It doesn’t matter.

                But you know that’s a stupid thing to think. No matter what happens you know you love him, and you love them.

                But you also know that it’ll take both of you to make it happen, to make this love work. And you’re too far gone to help it.

                You’d love to just start over and make amends of it and think to yourself that when push comes to shove it’ll take the both of you and you’ll have to be in it for love but you’re not stupid enough to not realize that push already came to shove and you gave up. You didn’t hold on. You gave into your nasty desires and cravings and in the end, he’ll be fine. He’ll move on. He’s perfectly capable of taking care of himself; this was how it was meant to be for him his entire life. He was born knowing this would happen.

                In the end, the only person you screwed over was yourself. Because this was love you were dealing with and you had more than enough to give to him but not enough to give to yourself. You’re doomed to spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been. Who you might have become. How you life could have worked out.

But you’ll never know. Not for the next thousand years. Hundred thousand. The millennia will come and go and come again a million times over and you’ll never once know what might have been.

You gave it all up. You screwed yourself over.

And now you’ll live an eternally damned life for it.

You best love it.

That’s always how it’s been though. You’ve always done nothing but destroy your chances at a happy and fulfilling life. Even if you don’t deserve it, you still had it coming but it seems as if you’ve made a goal of throwing that away. One time after another.

Again and again and again and again and again. Over and over and over. One time after another.

The hurting fades after a while. All pain over lost chances and possibilities goes away. Eventually. Just like the spinning.

This time you want to scream from the hatred and fear you feel over the creeping attraction between the angry reality and yourself. You don’t want to be here, in this dream, memory. Fantasyland. Whatever it is, you don’t want to be here. You want to be very far away.

Because this was when you did it. This was when you threw your life away the first time. The first time you terminally screwed up. The first time you destroyed everything you ever loved.

This was the day that you decided that you couldn’t take the pain anymore. This was the first time you tried to run away. You couldn’t take that aching in your chest, that emptiness in your soul. You were only six, almost seven, but you knew you had lost a huge piece of you that day daddy died. You weren’t stupid. And you couldn’t take it anymore. You couldn’t do it. This pain, this hurt that dictated your days was the only thing keeping you alive and you hated that. You had to leave. Leave this devils’ den, this lair of madness that held your heart stagnant.