I knew what I was getting into when I said your name

Pulled Along

"Well, well, well." Lucifer seems no more than mildly amused at the sight of Dan cracking apart across from him. Maybe, Dan thinks, that kind of thing happens all the time. Regular people don't come to places like this. "I do like to do favors. But favors are for people you like. Do I like you and your people, Dan? You're a pack of sinners, but I punish sin." He considers. "Or did. Retired from all that. But I did a good job when I was doing it. People should have pride in their work. That's a sin as well, of course. Where was I going with this? You punished the one who was guilty, but aren't even happy about it?"

How could he? He's the one who's guilty.

"What am I supposed to do with that?" Lucifer continues. "It makes no sense. You're not right. People are supposed to like getting what they want. It's one thing to feel guilty about liking it, but to just not like it? I don't like that! What's the point of doing a favor for someone who won't be happy about it?"

"That where -" Dan pauses. What'd her name been? "- Delilah got her singing career from? Hope you'd cashed that one in already."

Lucifer flashes blindingly shiny teeth, looking like he'd rather they were sunk into Dan's throat. "As it happens," he says, "that was what was were were discussing when she was murdered."

"And that was what, to fuck you?"

"Excuse me?" Lucifer says. "You think I need to call in favors for someone to have sex with me? I'm the one doing people a favor sleeping with them! No one says no to me. You evidently have no idea what you're talking about and need to be set straight before you hurt my reputation."

He grabs Dan by the chin and kisses him.

Dan says he has a wife. He does. He says he has a wife.

The devil tells him that doesn't matter.

(The woman who'd been behind the bar just laughs in his ear before she bites.)

He stubs his toe in the shower afterward, gasps and inhales water, ends up kneeling choking and coughing up brown bile. He has supper with Trixie, Trixie deserves that much, but the rest of the time it's just coffee and more coffee and the occasional donut when everyone else is standing around a box. Sometimes Anthony hands him a pudding cup, because Anthony doesn't know he murdered Anthony's partner. He thinks about that as he watches the acidic sludge swirl down the drain with everything else.

The devil and the woman (is there more than one devil? are they both devils?) are still there when he comes out of the bathroom. The woman has put some of her clothes back on and is mixing a drink. Lucifer is lounging naked on a couch. Dan should not look and does. "I've been thinking," he says. "It's unorthodox. See, I actually do have something I want from you. Or well, from the police force, of which you are a little interchangeable oinking cog in, but close enough. I'm not supposed to be the one who wants things! It's a trifle novel. But I'm not in the miracle business. Haven't been since before you little apes even existed. I could do things, I suppose," he says, dubious. "I'm sure I know lots of better doctors. But that's not a favor, a favor is about the end result and not," he says with a sneer, "putting in some effort and hoping for the best. Intentions don't matter. Never have."

"Anything," Dan says. "I - I'll do anything, for anything. For a chance of anything."

"You're terrible at this. Well, I do like making deals... Done!"

"Thank you."

Lucifer claps his hands, looking excited. "Well then! Let's find the killer!"

"What?"

"The killer. The person behind Delilah's murder! The person I want to punish," he says, dragging the word out with relish.

"That, uh, the shooter's dead," Dan tells him. "Do you need the guy's name?" Hell's probably a big place. Maybe finding people is hard. "It was, it was... Eddie Deacon, yeah, that was it. I don't know his middle name but I could look it up."

"Oh, I spoke to him. Do you know what he told me?"

Dan tries not to think about what people in Hell probably say to the devil.

"'I just pulled the trigger.' Now, don't you think that's interesting?"

"Uh," Dan says. "Yes?"

"'I just pulled the trigger,'" repeats Lucifer.

"I, I mean, he did."

"Really, Detective! He was saying someone else was to blame! Classic humanity, really. Like reasons matter. But there's someone else, someone still up here, the one who made all this happen and deserves to be punished and isn't!"

"R-right. Okay. You want another guy. And you want me to, uh, find him for you?"

"Well you are a detective, aren't you, Detective?"

"Right," Dan says again. "So you, you think somebody else paid the guy to shoot her. That's, I mean yeah sure, the guy dying like that was pretty convenient, and the motive's not really great to start with. You don't want people thinking they don't have to pay you, but scaring off customers isn't a good idea either. You were...you were the last person to talk to her, right? Did she say anything?"

"Quite a lot. One of the things we chatted about was her tragic taste in men. You know Jimmy Barnes?" Dan does not. "She left him at the altar, which, hilarious, but the poor woman was horrifically close to actually marrying the sweaty little imp."

"So, h-him? He's the one?"

"Hm. Well, it's the sort of thing you people do, right?"

"Yeah." Dan's surprised it's this easy. He thinks, quite involuntarily, that this is the sort of thing one of the guys would ask him. He thought damning himself would be some big, decisive thing, would be a sudden choice he made, but it seems he never even noticed it happening. Can he even remember the first time? "Okay. You want me to arrest him, to uh, or - or should I just get him for you?" He's not sure if he's being asked for the guy to be made an example of in court, or if the repeated bits about punishment and suffering mean Lucifer wants to be more involved.

Lucifer looks almost like he's perplexed by this. "He's a criminal! A murderer! I want you to do your job and make him get what he deserves!"

Well. That was clear as mud. "My job," Dan repeats, and for the life of him, he doesn't know which that is: the words of an oath, the favors for his friends, the deal with the devil.

"Yes. Why are you still sitting there? Come on!" The devil's on his feet and Dan lets himself be pulled along.