I knew what I was getting into when I said your name

Usually the Other Guy

On paper, slapping handcuffs on a man in the middle of his wedding for murder at the request of someone Dan thinks is the devil and is at best some sort of mob boss would definitely be up there as one of the worse things Dan's done.

But, well, the guy's just another casting-couch scumbag. What does it matter if he's innocent of this particular crime?

He feels bad for the woman. God willing, this will never be somewhere Trixie finds herself, but he imagines this woman's father must've thought the same once. Dan can't say he has much in the way of ethics but how some of the boys make a game of arresting prostitutes after sleeping with them... He wonders how many times she's already fucked the man to get this, and now Dan's ruining it all for her just minutes before payday.

Does he feel bad, though? Or does he just tell himself that? Because he doesn't do anything to stop it from happening. Lucifer wants to charge in, so Dan follows like the dog he is.

Dan puts handcuffs on Jimmy. Jimmy says things about being innocent. Dan says they've got evidence. Who can say the drug dealer didn't say his name before he died? Paperwork hasn't been filed yet.

Then Dan tells Jimmy not to do anything stupid, loudly, manhandles him like he's putting up a fight. Dot the i, cross the t, so if something happens, everyone will understand it was because Jimmy did something stupid. And Dan figures something is going to happen. He just doesn't know what yet. It's the devil, after all. Jimmy's going to get hurt. He knows how much Jimmy can be roughed up by the time he gets to the precinct without it mattering, and he knows the devil may want a lot more than that.

"I want him to admit it. He needs to admit it," the devil says.

"I didn't do it!" Jimmy points out.

Dan says, "Okay." Then he says, "Do you, ah, should I do that, or should I take him to the Lux or somewhere?"

In the back, Jimmy's protests of innocence falter.

He doesn't get it, though, because he doesn't start really begging. He's worried he'll be slapped around a bit. And you can beat the whites from a man's eyes and call it an accident, but if Lucifer decides to pop them out completely, that's harder to brush under the rug. If Lucifer was his partner, Dan would tell him this. But Lucifer's his new lord and if he wants to carve a man up like an Easter ham, Dan's not going to challenge him.

"You're the detective," Lucifer says.

"Whatever you want," Dan says, and pulls over.

It turns out Dan can't deliver on whatever Lucifer wants, though. He punches Jimmy in the stomach as hard as he can and Lucifer begins criticizing him, which, Dan registers through a haze, does seem a little unfair when Lucifer's an immortal being who exists to hurt people. "I'm not a torturer," Dan says.

"Why did I have to be saddled with such a bad cop?" Lucifer complains.

At their feet, Jimmy writhes on the ground, trying to get air back in his lungs. "Lease," he wheezes.

"I should go down to the station right now and tell them what you said. Not a torturer! What else did you skip out on during training? Do you know how to do any of your job, Detective?"

"It's usually the other guy," Dan says. "I... It's usually the other guy."

All he did was stand there. Was hold their arms. Was fill out the paperwork afterward. Was delete the footage. Was testify in court, hand on the Bible swear to God above.

Is that why Chloe's still lying there in the hospital, why she doesn't get a miracle? Dan didn't believe in miracles before this, but if the devil is real, then maybe someone like Chloe, someone who deserved better, maybe God would've stepped in if he hadn't dragged her down by association. Maybe she wouldn't have needed a favor from the devil if she didn't mistake him for a good man.

"Well, pay attention this time," the devil says, chiding. But he grins as he pulls Jimmy to his feet again. He clasps his hand and for a moment Jimmy's just shaking hands with the devil. Then there's a crunch.

Like a crushed jam jar, Dan thinks, watching red drip between the devil's fingers. Lucifer is saying something but he can't hear it.

When Jimmy stops screaming he sobs, "Her boyfriend it was her boyfriend please. 2Vile, he's, it was him he's a lunatic, he slapped her around all the time, he did it."

"Oh," Lucifer says, dropping him. "Why didn't you just say so?" He turns to Dan. "I guess '2Vile' is the one we want. Ugh. Hip-hop."

Dan nods. He looks Jimmy over and then he pulls out his gun.

He doesn't mean to grandstand or anything. He's not a monster. But Jimmy looks up from his hand at the wrong time and his eyes go wide. "L-look, I, I've got some real money coming in, I can -"

It's not this guy's fault and he doesn't deserve to be killed. Dan says, "Well, okay," so he'll stop feeling so scared. Then he shoots him.

"What? Why did you do that?!"

Dan explains, "My boss would have to pull me from the case. A disappearance is easier for her. I just have to say he told me Delilah's boyfriend did it and I let him go instead of taking him the rest of the way to the precinct." Now even if things go as badly as they can and someone somewhere actually cares enough to wonder what happened to Jimmy, it'll be weeks before it gets as far as a complaint against him. His boss might not even mind. She's been saying he could use some time off, and she could probably spin suspending him for a while into proof the police department is accountable to the community.

"Oh." The devil frowns. "That's good?"

"Yeah. Can you, uh, help me move the body?"

Lucifer picks it up like it weighs nothing.

Dan tells him to put it in the back of the car. It'll get scrubbed down as soon as he turns it in tonight, long before anyone realizes Jimmy's missing.

"So, the boyfriend," Lucifer says as he sits down again.

"I have to deal with this first," Dan says. "If people see the body and report it I'm not on the case any more and I can't help you, okay? Let me dump it first."

Lucifer sighs. "How long will that take?"

"Uh..." Dan says. He could just stick it in a dumpster. Real risky, though, lot of people paw through those. He'd rather... "Not too long," he lies. "Just got to drive into the desert for a bit. And, and if you help me, it'll be over real quick." He doesn't know why he says that. Why would the devil? But Lucifer nods and smiles and climbs back into the passenger seat. "Thanks."

"My pleasure, Detective," Lucifer tells him.