Entanglement

Eight

You walked through the cold streets, you had been walking for hours now, circling buildings and sitting in brightly lit shops to pass your time. For the first time in a while your mind was empty, your thoughts were clear, it was like you didn't want to think. You checked your phone, it was low on battery, you still had no messages. At least Jennie was giving you space, the whole reason you were out here was to avoid the conversation that desperately needed to be had but you didn't know if it needed to be had with Chaeyoung or Jennie.

The guilt was making you feel sick, you wouldn't be feeling too bad if it was just a kiss but you knew it was much more than that. You were the one who stupidly kissed Jennie, you wished you could go to Rosie and tell her it was a mistake; that you kissed Jennie to figure out your feelings and there was nothing there but you were wrong, this kiss left you more confused than ever because there was something there, it let out the huge feelings that you had been keeping repressed for so long, ones that you knew would comprise you and Chaeyoung's relationship.

You loved Chaeyoung, you really did, you clung to your relationship like a childhood teddy bear, Chaeyoung was comfort to you but with Jennie it just felt different, you felt this pull and feeling you never felt before, it wasn't comfortable like Chaeyoung but it was more compelling, it was something you felt like you needed rather than wanted, Jennie was like oxygen, as much as you tried to hold your breath to pass out your instincts kept telling you to breathe back in. More than anything you didn't know what you wanted, it would take more than one kiss to figure that out.

The cold chill of the midnight city was getting to you, you could feel your fingers go numb as you turned another corner, whether Jennie was still awake or not you needed to go back home, fatigue was hitting you and your body craved the warmth of the heating. You followed the familiar path back to the Jung building as you tried to heat up your hands, you walked slowly into the back entrance presenting your ID to the machine, it let you in easy with a loud beep. You felt dissociated as you stood in the elevator, the fluorescent light made you feel like you had entered a different world, the brightness of it hurt the back of your eyes.

You stared at yourself in the elevator mirror, your cheeks were red from the cold and the rest of your face was drained and pale with tiredness. You ghosted your fingers over your pink lips, the image of the kiss replaying in your mind, you tried to recreate the pressure of Jennie's lips with your thumb but nothing seemed to work- you missed the feeling, no matter how complicated it got after, you just wanted the sweet short lived bliss back.

You felt the elevator stop beneath you, you couldn't tell if the dropping feeling in your stomach was from the change in velocity or from the unknown of what waited for you behind the penthouse door.

You slowly pushed open the door and lightly stepped in, the room was pitch black, the only light that entered was the light from nearby buildings, you felt around for a lamp and slowly clicked on on. You crept over to the bedroom, in there you saw Jennie sleeping deeply, her eyes firmly shut and her limbs wrapped around the sheets, you envied the fact she was able to sleep when you yourself just felt too restless to put your brain to sleep.

Without making a noise you moved over to your closet and fished around for a blanket, eventually you pulled out the grey one you ordered online a few weeks ago. Your eyes darted back over to Jennie who lay there unmoved, it was tempting to crawl in beside her and lay your head on her soft chest, smiling the second you felt the familiar arms wrap around you but you couldn't do it, you didn't want to give Jennie the wrong idea, you didn't want her to think you were confident in your feelings.

Leaving sleeping Jennie behind you, you made your way back into the living room carrying the blanket.

'This should be fine' You said to yourself, you knew you were lying, after over a month of sleeping next to another person in one of the comfiest beds known to man you knew you were going to have trouble sleeping on this itchy couch but you persisted anyway, you needed to sacrifice your comfort to not over complicate things, you would try to talk to Jennie in the morning when you had a clearer head, or maybe in the afternoon but you had to get things straight before Chaeyoung's engagement party that evening, you just needed to figure yourself out before then- it was difficult putting a deadline on emotions.