To Be Loved and To Be In Love

Chapter 5

As Louis stood outside the entrance of The Ivy (a rooftop bar in the center of London, which Louis and Darren used to visit regularly during happier times), looking up at the familiar stained glass door, he couldn't help but think about all the events of his life that had led him to this moment. He thought about the day he'd first met Darren, in the student union during Freshers week, both young and stupid and impossibly crazy about each other. They'd spent their time at university wrapped up together, two peas in a pod, and Louis had truly thought they'd be together forever. Never in his wildest dreams did he think he'd be standing here now, outside the bar they used to always go, with dread in his stomach at the thought of seeing the man he'd once vowed to spend the rest of his life with.

Louis took a deep breath and stepped through the doors.

He took the elevator up to the roof, heart jumping into his throat. Every fiber of his being wanted to turn back, but as the doors sprang open and the soft lilt of jazz music filled the air, Louis felt like he'd been transported into the past. The cold, London breeze whisked around him as he passed through the busy bar, searching for the familiar face of his ex-husband. Louis knew exactly where to find him.

There, perched in the corner booth where they'd always sat, was Darren. He hadn't spotted Louis yet, so Louis took a moment to observe him. He looked good, by all means, sitting in snug blue jeans and a tight sweater. Blonde and tan. Louis' type. Only now it didn't feel like his type. He closed his eyes and imagined the sensation of chocolate curls weaving through his fingers, stark against pale skin. So lovely.

When Louis opened his eyes again, Darren had spotted him. Louis walked over and quietly sat down, taking a sick thrill in seeing Darren sweat.

“Hi,” Darren's voice was thick with nerves, “how are you?”

“Better,” Louis pulled the sleeves of his jumper over his hands and fidgeted with a stray thread, “you?”

“Glad,” Darren said, “that you agreed to meet me. I'm glad.”

“I'm not.”

“Right, of course not.” Darren's face turned red. Louis couldn't remember ever seeing Darren look so weak. So utterly pathetic. It almost made Louis feel sorry for him. “I got you a drink.”

Louis looked down at the glass of wine in front of him. He took a sip and a sudden flashback of his first date with Harry entered his mind. It was the same wine. Louis had never liked wine, he thought, and he suddenly became acutely aware of the fact that he'd never liked wine. Darren had liked wine, and Louis drank it because Darren drank it.

“Good day?” Darren asked, shifting uncomfortably under the awkward silence.

Louis sighed and rubbed his face, “Look, you wanted to talk, so talk. I'm here, I'm listening. Don't ask me about my bloody day!”

Darren sat in stunned silence, eyes searching Louis' face. Louis wondered if he was looking for the old Louis, the man he once knew, but that Louis was gone. At one point in time Louis had mourned the loss of his old self -his past self- but now, sitting here, he wondered if that Louis was ever really him at all.

“OK,” Darren sighed, shaking his head, “I just...I don't know what to say.”

“Just tell me what you want from me,” Louis said, “because I'm fucking tired, yeah? Aren't you?”

Darren paused.

“I want you back.”

The words echoed in Louis' ears, barely registering at first. When they finally did, Louis had to stop himself from balking. That...he had not been expecting that.