I know that as much as long as I live and breathe I continue to search and wonder about the purpose that continues to pervade me. Being stuck in a senseless and nonchalant existence such as my own is only heightened by the failure to meet the expectations of those loved around me. My mind is stuck in that same constant battle with myself, and at times I fear what I could do, hence why I distance myself from certain activities because I am afraid I would be the one to blame, as it seems that is what I expect of myself; to fail and yet somehow take those blows and rise above it and become even greater. Such a pitiful and yet odd sense of a need to achieve when you look down on yourself and base your strengths on whether or not the person next to you is better than you or not.
My friend, one of the closest people that I have know had said to me that despite what I do, it would never be enough for a lot of the people around me, and as such, I just only do what I am able to and stop killing myself, destroying my body and my mind for the inabilities that I am unable to reach. Even with that positive affirmation that I am unable to fully appreciate myself, I still find myself at a crossroads and always end up choosing the path that is most difficult rather than the easier way, because of a need to be better. Since childhood, such was my lamentation and such was what drive me to impress the mother with whom I emerged from her womb, and the father to whom implanted his seed into her. That, and to be a role model to the two siblings which looked up to me, as a means of being a shining example. Needless to say, such a responsibility, especially from the age of 14 to 18 of that realization is quite difficult to keep up. I close my eyes and pray to Almighty God that there must be some way in which I can remain strong, because the battles that I face everyday are so much that I wonder whether it is enough for me to conjure up the courage to move on.
To move forward in itself, is a difficult task, that of which I beat into my head over and over because if I don't move, If I don't make a decision, if I don't take the fall, if I don't stand up and use my voice, if I don't respond, if I ignore, if I fall into the trap of always being the one to back out first, if I look at others with deceit and disgust when their situation is not understandable to my own, if I am not myself, then who else is going to do what needs to be done? Who else should take up the mantle that so many people would rather walk away from and offer up to the one in line who is willing to get it. The mentality of "better him than me" does nothing for the person, and only encourages a weak mind, and mentally incapable attitude. Not saying that in certain situations you must read the room, scan out and plan what you are able to do, but in situations when you have control and you are able to stop it, why don't you? Referring to gossip, mediation of an argument, attempting to be a buffer or finding common ground and leading others towards a common goal, while allowing them to pick up from where you lack; if you can change someone's life or try to prevent something fatal from happening, why pass off blame to another when you could have done something? When you could've changed something why didn't you?
Such are the thoughts that fill my mind, causing motivation to me lacked, causing neglect for myself and a distaste for my full potential not being seen, all of such will seemingly never go away. Even so, it doesn't change the fact that no one would want to walk in my shoes,
But if you are, then know that you've figured it out.
