Piece of heaven

1- Youth

The first time Brett kissed him... he remembered vividly, would probably never forget it, all of his lifetime.

They were at Bretts house, sitting in front of the tv, they were about to try out a new game before practicing a duet.
Brett was struggling with the setup on the screen.
-Brett?
-Mhm?
-How does it feel kissing a guy?
-Mmmm... which character do you want?
-Come on, tell me!
-WHICH CHARACTER DO YOU WANT?!
-That one. But... how does it feel?
-That one? Ok. Uhm.., what?
-Kissing a guy!
-It"s...it's... Brett was still trying to navigate through the setup.
-It's ok. I guess....
-It's ok?! What does that even mean???
-Hmmm? It's not that different.... from... kissing a chic actually....there you go!
Brett turned to Eddy and tried to hand him the controller. But Eddy didn't pay attention. -Really?
Brett lost his patience.
-Dude!! Do you wanna play this at all, or do you wanna talk?
-Talk!
-Okaayyy... I thought you wanted to game..
-I do! I mean I did! But now I wanna talk!
Brett sighed, leaned his back against the sofa behind him and placed the controller next to him on the floor.

-Why do you wanna know?
-Just curious
-I guess... Brett shrugged and looked away -How it feels depends on how you feel about the person in the first place. Like...as it is with everything else. Does that make sense?
There was silence.
-Brett?
-Hm?
-Kiss me!
-What??
-Kiss me!
-Why on earth would I do that??
Eddy shrugged.
-Eddy, this friendship is important to me, you're my best friend, I don't wanna fuck this up!
-You won't!
-Ok, how do you know?
Brett looked up at him with small, doubtful eyes.
-WHY do you want me to?
-I'm curious. And you're the only gay guy I know about.
-Aha, so just because I'm gay, that means I kiss every dude I see?
-No! But.... I mean... am I "every dude" to you?
-Of course not! I just told you!
-Ok, this turned out to be a mess.
-Yeah. Let's just forget it.
-Ok.

They went back to practising.
Brett went to the bathroom and Eddy repeated that hard run.
Brett came back.
He was standing close, uh-uh, so close! Eddy froze.
Brett's hand suddenly touched his cheek, it smelled of lavender, from the handsoap.  Brett's hand on his neck, still a little moist from the water. Eddy couldn't move. He was standing with his violin under his chin, bow in his hand, he believed he did at least, but everything got lost. All he could ever feel was Brett's hand. All he could ever see was Brett's eyes.
Did he always look that way?
Brett pulled his body and his face closer, there was nothing he could do to prevent it. As in a kind of reflex his eyes closed, and all there was in the whole wide world, was Brett's lips on his. Warm, tender, soft..
Did he die? He didn't know. He did stop breathing, for sure. His heart stopped beating, everything was silent. Time stopped. There was nothing else. Yeah, he died. No doubt about it.
Not like he even cared or something. Not at all.
If this was being dead, eternity would be great!
Brett pulled away and all of a sudden
Eddy found himself alive, still. All the blood rushed to his head, to his fingers, his toes... he could hear all the blood flushing in his ears. He felt more alive than ever.
-Now you know, Brett smiled and went over to pick up his instrument.
At least that's what Eddy thought he said, he couldn't hear it, he just read it on Brett's lips. He THOUGHT he did.
Tears were forming behind his eyes, his chest was tightening up, he felt like he couldn't breathe.
-Ok, Let's go from C again, Brett said, counting and started playing.
Eddy couldn't move his right hand. He wasn't able to move the bow. Not at all.
Was he becoming paralyzed now? What the hell was this?? Was it his turn having a stroke?
Brett stopped, noticing Eddy wasn't playing.
-You ok?
-Yeah yeah, I just.... didn't pay attention. Sorry.
-Ok. One more time.
Brett counted again and this time Eddy's arm was able to move the bow toward the strings. But now tears welled up, he couldn't see the music anymore.
-I'm sorry, I can't...
Brett looked at him.
-You ok? He asked again. -Why're you crying??
-I don't know! I...something happened, I don't know!
Eddy tried to calm his breath, tried to avoid Brett's kind, but worried eyes.
-I... felt something...something....I don't know..
-When I kissed you?
-U-hu.
-Eddy, look... Brett turned around for a second and carefully left his violin and bow on the piano before turning back at him again.
-You know... kissing is... a rather intimate thing. It can be intimidating as well! It's...I guess it's rather normal to feel certain things when someone kisses you. It's...it's intimate!
-But I'm not gay! Eddy wheezed. -Im not gay! He repeated, louder.
Brett carefully removed Eddy's violin and bow as well, putting them on the table behind them, it seemed like eddy wasn't able of doing that himself.
-Why're you panicking?
-Im not gay!
-Eddy! Why're you panicking so hard? Its ok!
-No its not. Its not ok.
Eddy tried to look up and around in the room. Everything looked different. Everything changed colors, the whole fucking room looked different, his instrument felt different, Brett looked different.
There it was, again, Brett's hand on his cheek. Feeling different. Warmer, kinder, soothing, and it smelled like... not lavender anymore, it was.... like a whole tree. Green. And blue flowers all over. Tiny flowers. The scent filled him, entered his bloodstream. The warmth from Brett's hand filled his whole body with something tickling, something... itching, a kind of restlessness? A kind of...?
-Oh my God!
-What? What happened? You sick?
Bretts eyes were still worried, searching for his.
Finally Eddy lifted his head and looked him straight in to them.
-That kiss changed everything.
-How?
-I don't know
-What changed?
-EVERYTHING! Nothing's the same anymore.
-Now you're scaring me.
-I'm scared too. Do you think this is love?
-Eddy...Brett cleared his throat and removed his hand, leaving Eddy's skin burning and freezing in the cold air from the aircon at the same time.
-You're like a brother to me. No, actually you're way more than that. This friendship is the most wholesome connection I've ever had to someone. Of course there is love! I love you! And I know you feel the same, but.. That doesn't mean this is romantic love. It doesn't mean that you're in love with me.
-But I am. That's exactly what I am. I am in love with you.
Eddy could hear his own words as if from a long distance. He didn't know where they came from. HE certainly did NOT speak them! He felt the words on his lips, leaving his mouth, they felt like tiny... pearls?.... candies... cherries..? as they passed throughout his lips. He knew he did indeed speak them, but where did they come from? His head? His heart?
-Eddy...
The way Brett spoke his name. Soft, like begging him to be his. How much wouldn't Eddy be willing to give right now to give him what his voice begged of him?

-Eddy! Eddy, I'm so sorry! Brett's voice changed dramatically and sounded totally different when Eddy threw himself at the front door, running out of Brett's house.
He could never go back there again.
Like... NEVER!
He had ruined everything!

Eddy ran down the streets, his legs would just carry him somewhere, he didn't know, they were not running home, but he didn't notice before it was way too late. And he was short of breath, not able to run anymore. He looked up to see he was only 2 blocks away from Brett's house. Why? He couldn't even run anymore, without getting this exhausted? His legs were shaking, heart pounding, stars were dancing before his eyes. Was he having a heart-attack? He was only 17, it was highly unlikely. Maybe he was catching a cold.
His knees felt weak.
He stumbled over to the bench placed under that large tree, which in spring, like now, carried a bunch of small, lilac flowers. What was it called again? He knew he knew it, but yet he didn't! His brain had really stopped functioning.
He was freezing as well, even though it was in the middle of october, getting closer to summer.

-Eddy.
Oh no!
-Eddy, you allright?

Brett's dark eyes were all of a sudden burning his skin, spreading a warmth throughout all of his body.

-You left your violin.

The sun was shining behind him, there he stood right in front of him, just like a superstar, Eddy thought. A fucking Jesus Christ Superstar. The sun made it look like he had some sort of a halo around him. An aura.
The sun didn't shine like that just a minute ago?
What the fuck was happening to this crazy world??

-I know, Eddy shrugged and used the back of his sleeve to wipe his nose.
His instrument was fine at Brett's house, no worries.
-You didn't bring it though.
-No, I was too busy chasing you, figured I would try and get you to come back. We didn't make it through the whole piece. It would have been fun trying to finish it.
Brett sat down next to him.

-Eddy, look, I'm terribly sorry, ok? I really, really shouldn't have kissed you. It was all my fault. I shouldn't have.

Brett sounded sorry, like, for real. Almost like devastated. Why?
And when did those flowers on that tree become THAT lilac? They were so colorful it almost hurt his eyes looking at them.

-Like I told you, you're the most important person in my whole life Eddy, I don't wanna mess this up. Are we ok?
-I guess we are.
-It didn't mean anything at all, I was just... I don't know what happened really, but you asked! You begged me to, and I guess I just wanted to.. challenge you or make a prank on you or something, I don't know. But it definitely didn't mean ANYTHING! Let's just forget it ever happened, and never bring it up again, hey?

Eddy felt like he couldn't breathe. There were several things at once, screwing him up. Brett's hand on his forearm. Even through the sleeves he could feel that intense warmth from him, it made him dizzy.
But something dark was spreading inside as well, like a black spot growing and growing, until it covered him whole.

Eddy tried to chase that darkness, get rid of Brett's words.

It didn't mean anything.

-What's this tree called again? Eddy willed his mind and thoughts onto something else.
Brett furrowed his brows. He was visibly worried.
-It's a jacaranda. Are you ok, Eddy? Seriously?
Brett was worried. He really was.
But that was it! Jacaranda it was! How could he forget?

It didn't mean anything.

There they were again. There went nothing.

Brett's words were repeating again and again, spinning in his head. Eddy found himself remembering and paying attention to every sound, every pitch behind his words, almost to try and figure out their value? Were they legit? Why did he say so? Did he forget what Eddy told him? He told him how he felt! He told him that he... that he... was in love with him. He told him! That kiss definitely meant SOMETHING, to HIM, how could Brett be that insensitive, just blurting out like nothing, that to himself, it didn't mean anything? Was he really that insensitive? Or was he just being honest?

Eddy felt exhausted by his own thoughts, almost as if his head was about to explode.

-Brohug?
Brett looked up at him with eyes that made Eddy's chest burn. Not right now though. Now they felt more like a knot in his stomach.
-I love you, Eddy. Nothing's changed.
His legs wouldn't work, Brett helped him stand.

His hug made Eddy's chest tight up even more.

I love you too. But to me, EVERYTHING has changed. NOTHING' s gonna be the same anymore.