Scary Stories to Tell in the Drive Thru

G-g-g-g-ghost Pepper Ranch

The house was big, the kind Ryan always saw in movies but never realized were an actual real thing. The driveway was long and lined with trees on either side, though a few of the trees were a tad worse for wear these days. Ryan did all he could not to fantasize about solving a murder mystery or discovering a hidden room full of treasures, but he failed miserably.

Of course this wasn't just some abandoned American castle left to rot that they were coming in to save. It had been lived in pretty continuously by members of Carli's family, most recently a distant aunt who had never had children. This left the inheritance of the Peppers House to Carli.

Carli and Ryan met in college, hit it off, got an apartment, got a dog, and found adult jobs and a life together. After a few years of dating, they married, and after a few years of marriage they received an odd letter and moved to the rolling hills of Peppers House. You know, as people often do.

The house was even bigger when they got up close, which is generally how perspective works. The pillars near the front were worn but sturdy, which Ryan decided was a great descriptor for most of their new residence. The key to open the door was the old metal type, the kind suburbanites buy at antique malls to hang in their kitchens next to a towel with some saying like "Love you to the moon and back."

There was a click and a creak as the door swung open. It felt as though an ancient wind was escaping from the entrance corridor, blowing past Carli and Ryan, rustling their loose strands of hair, causing them to dance like cobwebs in the forest. "Smells like my grandma," Carli said. "Not just any grandma, I mean mine specifically."

"Did she live here?" Ryan asked.

"Not that I'm aware of," Carli replied. "Maybe it's a family smell."

Ryan leaned over and gave Carli's neck a big whiff, and they both laughed. "This place is pretty big, where do you want to explore first?" Ryan asked as he walked into Peppers House with his arms out wide, slowly stepping in a circle as he looked up at the chipped paint on the ceiling.

"I think I'm going to go upstairs," Carli replied. "I remember there being a room up there we used to stay in and play during family reunions. Haven't been here since I was a kid, maybe some weird old memories will spark."

"Ok, just holler down if you see ghosts," Ryan said with a smirk. "I'd hate to miss anything."

Carli ran her fingertips gently along the wall as she climbed the stairs, her fingers dancing across decades of held in conversation. The bannister was made of sturdy wood, and didn't waiver at the touch. She'd sort of expected things to just disintegrate under scrutiny, but the place was very put together, if not a bit dusty. The stairs and the hallway felt familiar, yet cold, her steps frigid on the hardwood floors. Each step a creak echoing throughout this palace of death.

But the sun was shining in the room she remembered, and Peppers House felt warm again. Carli looked through the drawers, finding some old toys she remembered well. There was a paper doll set she used to love with the edges of the cardstock worn to fluff. Next to the bed she found a cheeseburger phone one of her older cousins had spent an entire family reunion calling her boyfriend on, and yelling at the younger kids when they'd inevitably get rowdy.

Under the bed she found something she'd completely forgotten about, an old spirit board. As kids they used to play around and pretend they were talking to old presidents or spicy demons coming for blood. It was fun to pretend you weren't spelling what you wanted and watching the other kids pretend they weren't scared. She'd been cleaning for a while and was getting a bit hungry, so Carli grabbed the spirit board and went back downstairs.

Ryan had found his way to the kitchen, and was working on fixing a leak under the sink. Carli walked in and slammed the spirit board on the counter, making him jump and smack his head on the cabinet. "Found your ghosts," Carli said with a laugh.

Ryan stood up rubbing his new contusion and saw the spirit board. "Whoa, I always wanted to play with one of these as a kid but my mom thought they were real."

Carli laughed and walked toward Ryan while making spooky fingers toward him, "But they are real, Ryan." She tried to make her voice sound scratchy and menacing but it mostly sounded like she needed something to drink. "You want to go get some food? I'm pretty sure I saw a Wendy's on the corner on our drive in. I can go grab some while you pretend to know how to fix a sink."

"Awesome, get me as many spicy nuggets as they can fit in the car," Ryan said as he wiped the sweat from his brow with a rag he'd been working with.

When Carli got back, Ryan was in the living room. He had set the spirit board on a coffee table, and seemed enamored with it, holding it up and looking at the light reflecting off the sheen from varying angles. "Decide the sink was a bust?" Carli asked as she set the bags and cups down on the coffee table.

"I figured it's been this way probably since before I was born, maybe it can wait another day," Ryan replied. He set the board on the ground and reached into the Wendy's bag. He pulled out a carton of hot and crispy fries, and the bag fell onto its side as he sat back. A couple of spicy nuggets rolled out along with a container of Ghost Pepper Ranch Sauce.

The sauce caught his eye, but he was going to finish his fries before worrying about the bag. Real procrastinator we've got here. Ryan and Carli chatted and laughed. They were stoked on just how much space they had in the new house. It would take them weeks to fully explore.

Ryan reached out to grab his stray nuggets and dipping sauce, but as soon as he grazed the sauce container with his hand, it flew across the room and zipped straight onto the spirit board Carli had found. "What was that weirdo?" Carli asked, looking at the shock and terror on Ryan's face.

"It-it w-was my G-g-g-g-ghost Pepper Ranch!" Ryan said, his bones filling with the chill of a million graveyards. Carli stood up and saw the ranch spinning faster and faster in the middle of the spirit board. The lights flickered and dimmed as a black fog seemed to crowd them. Then the ranch stopped.

"That was odd," Carli said. "Probably should call an electrician tomorrow when you call the plumber. And what was with the whole cartoon mystery gang bit?"

Ryan didn't respond, he simply stared as a large scratching noise rose from the board. The Ghost Pepper Ranch Sauce had begun to move. It landed on "I" then "T" then "S." Carli shuddered as she realized it was writing a message. Maybe her cousins hadn't been playing all those years ago.

The sauce continued to spell and finished with "It's Your Time." Ryan and Carli sat motionless and silent for what seemed like hours. "Well maybe it's just a welcome. Like, it's our time to live in this amazing house that is totally not haunted and scary," Carli tried to reason with her logical mind.

"See to me it definitely felt more like it's our time to meet our gruesome demise amidst horrors beyond imagination," Ryan replied.

A spirit of the deepest purples and blues appeared wrapped in a ragged, black, hooded cloak and lifted itself from the board with a moan. It coughed a few times, holding up its index finger to signal it needed a minute. After its throat was clear the spirit said in a voice that had been dragged through gravel for a century or two, "It's the second one. Leave now or a bunch of bad ghost stuff will happen to you. Boo."

Even though Carli would later confess that she felt the "boo" was a bit lazily delivered, they grabbed their shoes, ran for the car, and didn't look back. The dreams of a fabulous life amongst the hills of Peppers House were as dead as the spirits that haunted it.

Back inside, three more spirits had joined the first, and they were swarming the bags of Wendy's foolishly left behind. They chowed down on spicy nuggets and Ghost Pepper Ranch Sauce, which seemed a fun coincidence. "They really don't make food like this in the underworld. Hopefully we can keep tricking people into leaving this spicy goodness behind."

Also, Carli and Ryan bought more Wendy's on the way out of town and they loved it, and the ghost loved it, and now you're eating Wendy's and loving it because advertising.